[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The pastor Creflo Dollar is getting the plane he so richly deserves, says CCCI board
“The love of money is the root of all evil, St Paul obviously never had sex on a monopoly board — absolute bliss,” states the aptly named Pastor Creflo Dollar. The Atlanta-based minister claims he desperately needs a $65 million private jet so he can “educate the masses.”
In March of this year, with R. Kelly’s I Believe I Can Fly playing in the background, Pastor Creflo Dollar asked each of his 200,000 followers — many of whom live close to the poverty line — to donate $300 towards the purchase of a luxurious jet.
“God came to me in a dream, and he told me to buy a $65 million plane, who am I to refuse?” asked the pastor.
After so much negative media attention, unsurprisingly, the campaign vanished as quickly as it appeared.
However, the board of Cash Cow Churches International — which also has a close relationship with Creflo Dollar Ministries of Money, made a huge announcement on Friday: The pastor is getting the plane he so richly deserves.
“We have decided to purchase the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter. In addition to boasting a Rolls Royce vertical touchdown system, the F-35 has the ability to conduct vertical landings. This single-engine, all-weather stealth jet will make a welcome addition to our business — church, our church, I mean, not our business,” announced Jeremiah Douché, a board member and French native.
“What better way to spread the word of the Lord speedily than approaching a landing area at around 150 mph?” asked the smug looking Frenchman.
The F-35’s predecessors played a key role in helping liberate the Falkland Islands, and they also made an appearance in Iraq and Afghanistan, so it is fitting that we will now embark on another testing challenge — enlightening the gullible,” stated the pastor, before adding, “Whatever the barrier, be it a driving gale or a remote desert airstrip, the jet has an ability to make vertical landings in the most challenging conditions, any obstacles will be obliterated. Lust, pride and gluttony, you say. Nonsense! The world will experience militant preaching at its finest.”
“But Jesus travelled on foot and by donkey,” stated an irate journalist, “why do you need a fighter jet?”
Creflo Dollar replied: “The F-35 wasn’t around back then, I believe. A long-range, high-speed, intercontinental jet aircraft is necessary in order to fulfill the mission of the ministry. Who in their right mind would listen to a man on a donkey? Image is everything. You don’t see Obama wearing Crocs, do you?”
Almost immediately following the interview, the board released the following statement: “We plan to acquire a F-35 because it is the best, and it is a reflection of our overall philosophy. Material wealth is a sign of God’s favour. We encourage our community, and our pastors, to dream big, acquire wealth and fly high, quite literally.”
Latest posts by John Glynn (see all)
- Olympics Dealt a Blow by Pokémon Go - July 17, 2016
- Nostradamus on ‘Dystopia Trump’: Bleak Future Predicted - March 15, 2016
- Kanye for President! No, Seriously. - September 8, 2015
Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!