[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“He’s been crapping all over America for years,” says Miami professor of Limbaugh
MIAMI, FL — A University of Miami study concludes that Rush Limbaugh does in fact routinely excrete through his mouth, and has done so for over 20 years. It is in fact his default mode.
“Mr Limbaugh is the defining case of this condition,” said Prof. Harry Latrine, the report’s editor and chair of the Toilet and Sewerage Studies Department at Miami University, Miami. “Although I’ve got a list of senators and governors who could play the role almost as well.”
The Latrine Report reveals that “in 1993 Mr Limbaugh underwent a ‘rectal stoppage’ or ‘chronic constipation surgical procedure,’ following a diagnosis of Crapular Interruptis Syndrome,” a growing inability to excrete from any orifice but the mouth.
However, said Prof. Latrine, doctors were unable to “rectify his rectum and in many ways made the condition worse. Instead of one scatological episode a day he began doing it constantly. Only plugging his mouth periodically with a Cuban cigar relieved the condition, obviously only for the moment.”
The Professor displayed a graphic too disgusting even for this report to reproduce.
“The only way Mr Limbaugh has been able to relieve himself for over 20 years,” he said, “is by representing his excretory process” — pointing to the porky pundit’s ’s grayish-green alimentary canal — “as speech. He literally talks shit.”
Prof. Latrine said that Limbaugh’s famed “EIB” network really stood for Excrement in Broadcasting. “When he claims to have ‘half his brain tied behind his back,'” said the Professor, “he means behind his backside. And as for his farts,” the Professor rolled his eyes, “he breaks them up into ers and ums while he waits for his next verbal gastronomic regurgitation.”
“Once you fully understand what’s going on,” continued Dr Latrine. “Listening to him speak is like being immersed in a raw sewerage shower. Even I find that disgusting and I did my PhD in Highway Public Toilets.”
Professor Latrine said that Limbaugh’s inability to relieve himself in the normal human way explained his grossly unnatural bulk.
“The man is obviously a seething cauldron of emotional bile, partially digested information and some kind of psychotic poison,” Latrine said, “which is why he is forever bouncing around in that disc-jockey chair he uses. God knows what his parents did to him. His notorious mockery of Michael J Fox was really a cover for a particularly bad moment of personal inner turmoil.”
Latrine noted that “on the positive side,” the old fartbag is finally running out of gas. “And I don’t mean Exxon,” he added. “All over the country radio stations and sponsors are cancelling their contracts, and even he now admits he may no longer be relevant to a new world of millennial liberals.”
Professor Latrine said that the world will be a vastly better place after Limbaugh is finally sent to limbo.
“I’ve heard that in hell they boil ’em in raw sewerage piped in directly from above. God is of course an environmentalist,” he added, “and this seemed a win-win arrangement all around.”
The Professor noted that the incalculable damage Limbaugh had done while still on earth will be felt for decades and perhaps even centuries to come.
“He almost single-handedly created climate change denial,” Latrine said, “and set back humanity’s response to this terrible crisis for over 20 critical years.
“Mr Rush Limbaugh may in the end be seen as one of the major forces in the destruction of planet earth,” the Professor noted.
“So let’s hope the Devil roasts his sorry ass for all eternity, and allows us spirits who didn’t mind paying a little more tax to save the planet to come by, jeer and personally turn the spit shoved between his cellulitic thighs.”
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