[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘It’s possible that smoking pot was the true Original Sin’ – Sen. Rick Sanitarium
WASHINGTON, DC – An NIH report released today confirms what dedicated pot smokers have always known – the divine weed makes you horny as hell and gives users the best damn orgasms ever, each time, every time!
Among the case studies approvingly cited in the report is that of late astronomer Carl Sagan, who famously said that cannabis “enhances the enjoyment of sex and makes you feel more sensitive.”
But GOP presidential candidate Rick Sanitarium today thundered in reply: “By God — literally — No! That’s exactly why this toxic, horrific Satanic compound must be banned, and kept out of reach forever! We can’t have people,” he shuddered violently, “fornicating!”
Sanitarium had hardly collected himself before Sen. Ted Cruz and three other GOP presidential candidates endorsed his call. On the senate floor, Tom Cotton (R. Ark), demanded the immediate bombing of Colorado’s marijuana fields.
[Editor’s Note: By an amazing coincidence, Jeb Bush just said that single mothers should be publicly slut-shamed for having had consensual sex. His comments prove once again that satire is the Cinderella of modern political discourse.]
Sen. Sanitarium went on to say that “obviously marijuana is a gateway drug to sex addiction.”
Thumping his Bible, he added: “God Himself said ‘Do not Eat of the Tree of Knowledge,’ which in some translations comes out as, ‘Avoid Smoking of the Weed of Pleasure.’ It is indeed possible that smoking a joint was the true Original Sin, which led to Cain and Abel and even more dirty sex stuff.”
The former Pennsylvania senator went on, “Do you have any idea what people actually do when they do it? I mean with their yings and yangs and,” he gestured loosely, “all the other things?”
Sanitarium waved vaguely again, and turned the other cheek.
“I know that in a few degenerate cases,” he blushed, “some people actually claim to enjoy it. Imagine that. I mean, well, I have, and, well,” he laughed uneasily and crossed his legs. “Now of course,” the ex-senator continued after a moment, “some people will ask, what about children? If doing sex is so bad, how do we get to the good part, that is, um, procreation?”
He cleared his throat and reddened again.
“Actually, the answer is very simple. We’ll all still have to Do It, but not so that we enjoy ourselves.
“Fortunately, that’s real easy. Most married women report intercourse is no fun at all, and a lot of husbands, I’m happy to say, are working hard at making the experience as cold and joyless as possible. In and out and preferably through a hole in the sheet, as the Good Old Testament recommends.”
Sanitarium shook his head. “So no horny pot, my friends, because it leads to nookie. And no non-procreative nookie either, because then you may be nookying or fun, and if you remember, Himself only ever did it once and then only by long-distance. I’m pretty sure Mary didn’t have any, erm, pleasurable sensations.
“If we can avoid those things then we won’t have any freedoms at all worth being hated for, and Universal Accord will descend upon mankind (embracing women). In a deep sense, then, smoking Horny Pot is the sworn enemy of world peace.”
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
- Swift’s ‘Modest Proposal,’ Now Commended to Congress as it Debates Health Care - June 18, 2017
- Sherlock Holmes Asks: Why Didn’t the FBI Watchdog Bark? - June 13, 2017
- Macron Offers ‘Vulcan Death Grip’ Seminars for World Leaders - June 7, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!