[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Osama bin Laden speaks from Purgatory
Yes, we know that Osama bin Laden is already dead, but we aren’t going to let that get in the way of an exclusive interview!
The Humor Times has gained the unique opportunity to interview the infamous terrorist Osama bin Laden, the instigator of the 911 attacks on the U.S. Reaching him at his present location in Purgatory, we were able to have the following conversation with him.
Humor Times – Good day, Mr. bin Laden. How are you?
Bin Laden – Wretched! What did you expect?
Humor Times – Nothing less, really. (Looking around) This doesn’t actually seem so bad. No licks of fire, no devils with pitchforks.
Bin Laden – Remember this is Purgatory, not Hell. But just wait until the Hare Krishnas come around. Allah, are they annoying! They dance around you singing until you give them a donation. They are actually stuck here forever — a different sort of Hell for them and for us.
Humor Times – It doesn’t look like you have a residence here. Where do you live?
Bin Laden – I don’t have a place here. I sleep out in the streets. All my earthly life I lived in palaces and rich houses except for the time I was working to impress the Muslim masses in Afghanistan and lived in caves with them. Even there I still had my MP3 player to rock out with. Here I have nothing so that I really have to learn what life is like for the downtrodden.
Humor Times – You seem to be taking it rather well.
Bin Laden – Yes I am.
Humor Times – You also seem to have gained some degree of humility.
Bin Laden – That comes naturally when you come over to the other side of the veil, the mystic one that is, not the one covering our women. Once beyond the pale of death it was terribly embarrassing that we were wrong and that the Buddhists and the Hindus were more accurate with their ideals of what the life thereafter was like.
Humor Times – Do you mean reincarnation?
Bin Laden – (He smiles) Yes! Indeed. When I passed I found no 76 virgins waiting for me, no hallowed greeting from Allah, no Prophet waiting to embrace me. Instead there was just a tired old monk in an orange robe who had already greeted 483 martyrs like me already that day. It was a real comedown.
Humor Times – Monk? Reincarnation? This is a bit much for me too and I am not even the one who died!
Bin Laden – I can imagine so! It was a shock for me almost as bad as the bullet from the Seal that hit me in the eye! But I am resigned to it now.
Humor Times – Resigned? In what way?
Bin Laden – I know already what my fate is. I am to come back as a mentally challenged Afghan female whose parents will die in a suicide bombing before I am six. I will then be placed in the care of a family of three sons and a single father to be their work slave and will be raped repeatedly by all of them. At the age of eleven I will be married off to a sixty year old man who already has eight wives and I will be the servant to all of them. I will die of overwork and an abnormal pregnancy that the family will refuse to abort.
Humor Times – My God!
Bin Laden – (smiling) No, my Buddha!
Humor Times – How can you keep your smile through all this prophecy?
Bin Laden – What else can I do? It is my destiny. I made huge mistakes; I must pay in huge ways. These are the doors I must pass through to get back to my true Being – a soul.
Humor Times – This sounds like quite a conversion!
Bin Laden – Indeed it is. Saul of Tarsis has nothing on me. In fact I saw him just the other day.
Humor Times – Really?
Bin Laden – Yes. It is actually quite refreshing to be able to talk to a Jew/Christian without having the whole religious thing get in the way. It is a shame I didn’t know that earlier.
Humor Times – Are you able to make any plans at all for the future?
Bin Laden – Yes. Several lifetimes from now, once I get over this whole bad karma thing, I would like to come into a life as a Mormon. I want to try out this whole being a missionary thing and going door to door proselytizing — something different after living in a country where they quite often don’t even have doors. I could get into those crazy suits they have to wear.
Humor Times – Well, good luck on your future experiences.
Bin Laden – As the French who I used to so despise used to say, “Cie la vie!” How apropos that is at present!
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