[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“I’ll bring real, gold-backed Christianity to the White House” – Donald Trump
Donald Trump, professional quixotic candidate for the Republican nomination for president and bad wig model, officially opened his campaign for president in a speech Tuesday at his Trump Tower office building in Manhattan.
“I will be the greatest president that God ever created,” he said, adding, “as the man in the sky said, just before he fired Satan, ‘the love of money is the root of all goodness’ — and I intend to codify that into law.”
Trump promised he would whip the rest of the world into line. “America is the greatest, and I’m the greatest American. The rest of the world is our competition. Other countries, ISIS, doesn’t matter. They’re the competition. You need me to show ’em who’s boss. I’ll spend ISIS into oblivion.”
Once he makes it to the White House, he promised, he will never leave. “I would build a great wall. And nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. Look at all the walls I’ve built. Well, never mind that — but I will build the greatest wall of all, around the White House, and you shall know who is King.”
“I’m really rich, I’m not even saying that in a braggadocios,” said Trump. “I trump the rest of those losers. Get it? See what I did there? Made a little joke. But I’m only saying this to remind you of what is obvious — I am the best choice to lead this country, because as everyone knows, he who has the most money wins.”
“Who would make a better top boss than me? Nobody, that’s who. I’ve already proven it on my TV show,” he said. “I’ll fire anybody who gets in my way. Judge makes a decision that hurts a corporation — you’re fired. Politician proposes a minimum wage increase — you’re fired. And I’m warning you right now — vote for someone else, YOU’RE fired, America.”
“It’s like, take the New England Patriots and Tom Brady and have them play your high school football team. That’s how good I am. Hell, I’ve always played with under-inflated balls. And an under-inflated brain — I don’t let dumb facts clutter up my noggin and get in the way. Hey, you do what it takes to win. I’m a winner.”
“In summation,” Donald Trump told the paid crowd, “I’m rich. That means I’m smart. So I should be president. Did I tell you how rich I am? Vote Trump!”
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