[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘If you have to swallow a frog, don’t stare at it too long,’ Mark Twain says of 2016 vote.
GATES OF PURGATORY – In an exclusive interview broadcast yesterday via GoogleSeance™ satellite, iconic American author Mark Twain sounded off about the upcoming presidential election.
“I have a higher and grander standard than George Washington,” he said. “He could not tell a lie. I can, but I won’t. At least not this time.”
Twain went on: “Suppose you’re an idiot,” he said. “And then suppose you’re Ted Cruz. But I repeat myself.”
It could undoubtedly be shown by facts and figures, Twain observed, that there is no distinctly American criminal class “except Congress and the Bush family.”
Lighting up his trusty pipe, he added: “Like diapers, politicians should be changed often, and for the same reason. Hmm, this is heavenly pot. Anyway, I say flush ’em all down the toilet bowl of history, then add a big shot of Monsanto weed killer. They won’t be back, not even genetically modified like Jeb.”
The great author observed that after flushing, “Republicans go to Heaven for the climate, but to Hell for the company. And, I hope, for a little injustice — doing unto them, etc. Each place has its own advantages.”
Mark Twain said that he himself, “while eligible,” had rejected heaven, like Huck Finn. “There’s no laughter there,” he noted sadly, “and no smoking either, so I’m not interested.”
Without laughter and a good smoke, Paradise itself was just an endless church service. “But I can’t stand all that goody-two-shoes-amen stuff for more than an hour,” he said, “never mind eternity. So I went with hell. At least it’s not cold and tales of my death can’t be exaggerated.”
Twain admitted that since becoming immortal in 1910 there had been times “when I would have liked to hang the whole damned human race and finish the farce. Hitler, Stalin and ISIS, for example. But then there’s human laughter — our greatest blessing and the most effective weapon we have. Against its assault nothing can stand” — he dropped his voice — “not even the Gates of Hell itself.”
The Charlie Hebdo massacre, he pointed out, was never about depicting Mohammed. “It was really about mocking Islam,” he said. “That’s why they all got shot up — to silence their laughter. ”
The famed humorist said that in addition he had some mockings of his own to share. “For example, John Kerry should get another bicycle. You won’t regret it, John, if you live.”
About Donald Trump he observed: “That bloated windbag is proof that all you need to succeed in America is ignorance and confidence.” He added: “When red-headed people rise above a certain social grade, their hair turns auburn. I rest my case.”
Mark Twain noted that a special place in the Inferno had been prepared for Dick Cheney and his “outboard motor,” George W. Bush.
“A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies,” he said of the former vice-president. “So he’ll be water-boarded for a few centuries, and then for the rest of eternity forced to reach for a big sack of blood-stained dollar bills that will always swing tantalizingly out of reach. In the evenings he’ll be force-fed a quart of Iraqi crude while Saddam Hussein pecks out his liver. That’s one of Saddam’s punishments, by the way.”
On Scott Walker: “Cauliflowers are nothing but cabbages with a college education. Walker is a bowl of collard greens.”
About Texas education he said: “In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”
Twain emphasized that despite his dislike of organized religion, he had it “on the Highest authority” that Pope Francis “is currently speaking for the deity Himself” on the environment.
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example,” Mark Twain said. “But Francis’s sound heart is a surer guide than the ill-trained consciences of his followers. Look at those disgusting ignoramuses Scalia and Thomas, plus the so-called Christians on the Supreme Court.” He shuddered and almost threw up.
“The fact that they’re condemning the Pope as ‘the most dangerous man on the planet’ shows he must be on the right track. That’s what they used to say about Jesus.”
Addressing Climate-Change Deniers like Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) and his snowball stunt, Twain laughed. “Get your facts right first,” he said, “and then you can distort them. And Jim, it’s better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
On Rick Santorum: “A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looks like he’s waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”
As for Chris Christie and Bridgegate: “Get your story straight, Fatso. The difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible.”
Vermont senator Bernie Sanders and his unprecedented run for the presidency earned this comment: “I like Bernie, but whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority it’s time to pause and reflect.” He added: “There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.”
The Missouri sage also had some advice for Hillary Clinton. “Why not go out on a limb, my dear? That’s where the fruit is. And skip Fox News. Those con artists never let the truth get in the way of a good story. A well put-together unreality is pretty hard to beat.”
Mark Twain said that the American electorate was in for a hard, uphill slog before reaching November 2016 and the beginning of the 2020 election cycle. His best advice was this: “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
“But,” he added, “don’t stare at it too long before swallowing.”
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