Here to help: Nursing home names that make more sense – no charge to use.
A senior living facility called “Symphony Square” recently opened up in my neighborhood. It doesn’t have a symphony. Nor is it square. So what’s with the name? I’m guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with that enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities “The Quadrangle” and “Sunrise at Haverford.”
Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly. So, as a public service, I’ve brainstormed a few names for nursing homes that are more to the point. If you’re thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:
Memory Loss Manor
Get Me Outta Here Gardens
End O’ Life Residence
Almost Heaven Homes
Reaching The End Estates
Abandoned Here Manor
Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care
Olde People Warehouse
Over the Hill Terrace
What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care
Please Cut My Toenails Place
Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates
Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas
Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?
Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I’m 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!
(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: a Collection of Library Humor.)