[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
At summit, N.E. governors say they’ll secede from the south: ‘Enough is enough!”
BOSTON, MA — The New England Governors’ Conference (NEGC) yesterday issued a “heart-felt and unanimous” declaration calling on the northern states and sympathetic west coasters to secede from the union and join with Canada.
“Enough is enough, already!” said NEGC spokesman Charles (Charlie) Baker, governor of Massachusetts.
“We the People are frankly sick and tired of being dragged through the mud by those racist morons in places like Charleston, SC,” he said. “They don’t speak for us.”
“If those suckers want to rat-tat-tat themselves to death in the name of Jesus, we say God bless ’em. We just don’t want to be part of them anymore. More important, we don’t want them being a part of us.”
Gov. Baker went on: “There comes a time in every bad marriage when both sides have to realize that it’s done. Texas is already recalling what it calls ‘its gold’ from Fort Knox, and posting ‘its troops’ along its borders, north and south. They actually believe Obama’s planning to invade them.
“They should be so lucky. Let ’em take their precious Confederate flag and Reconstruct themselves.”
The governor waved a sheaf of papers. “Any Federal law they don’t like,” he said, “they simply ignore. Gov. Abbott already says Texas won’t recognize same-sex marriages or Obamacare, no matter what the Supreme Court says.
“Their cops assault or murder citizens in the street for any reason or none at all. Call 911 and you’re just as likely find yourself gunned down as helped. Certified lunatics openly carry loaded guns in the streets and into stores.
“It’s almost South Africa again. The vote is systematically and shamelessly suppressed in favor of white Republican rule.”
The New England Governors’ Conference, an informal alliance since colonial days, was established in 1937 by the six-state region to promote economic development.
Gov. Baker said that New England’s continued association with Dixie was harming its economic interests, not to mention its standing in the world. A divorce was therefore necessary, “and without any alimony, either,” he said, adding: “They can have custody of DC since it’s down there anyway. Scalia can be their new Chief Justice.”
The governor went on to say that California, Oregon and any other states in the soon-to-be Disunited States of America, were welcome to join in. After secession, the Free United States, its proposed new name, planned to apply for immigrant status to Canada.
“Let’s face it, we have more in common with the Canucks than with the Apart-Haters in the old Confederacy. Let ’em try going it alone.”
In Ottawa, the Canadian government cautiously said: “Eh?”
Later, over a cup of tea, a ministerial spokesmen added, “Okay, but that fucking Second Amendment of yours – excusez mon Francais – has just got to go. That and Ann Coulter, or no deal.”
After a moment he added: “And Donald Trump. We’ve already got a national buffoon in Rob Ford. I doubt the new union could survive the three of them.”
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