[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
In new presidential strategy, Scott Walker offers to suck Koch or anyone else on a sliding scale
MADISON, WI — Former GOP front runner Gov. Scott Walker announced today that he was revising his campaign strategy, and had changed his first name to “Street” to reflect it.
“Let’s face it, we’re all political whores,” he said. “We hang out around Wall Street soliciting wealthy businessmen and then do whatever they want if the price is right. Boot and ass licking come free – remember Chris Chrissie at the Adelson primary?”
“And I’m especially willing,” he dimpled, reflexively bending over.
Street Walker noted that his former status as the Koch brothers’ bitch hadn’t really worked out for him.
“Sure, they paid me well at first,” he said, “especially after their booty call last February, when I showed up dressed like Reagan.
“But then, like all johns, they dumped me just as soon as they found themselves a bigger ass, that blonde slut, Randy Paul. I hear she is branching out into porn, cos you can get money there too.”
Gov. Street Walker went on: “I know Hairy Bush and Donna Strumpet and even Fuckabee are way ahead of me, so along with my new moniker I’m offering a different and more specific set of services.
“Now Charles and David and Sheldon, or Sir, as I call them, can select from a large and varied menu of issues they’d like me to support — union busting, gay bashing, destroying public education, etc.”
Gov. Street Walker said that each item had its own price tag — $50,000 to screw a union, $2 million to fuck up a well-established and respected public university like Madison, and so on.
However, firing liberal professors cost nothing. “That’s my specialty,” he said. “I just love doing it. Those bastards flunked me outa college and now it’s my turn. Eat my Koch, suckers!”
He went on: “In my new marketing strategy, the john is free to purchase just one or two outrageous commitments, or mix and match several at once. There is literally nothing I won’t do or say if the price is right.”
“In other words, johns won’t have to fork out millions for an entire candidate and then discover that he’s not nearly as hot as they originally thought. My campaign slogan is NBR – No Buyer’s Remorse.”
All purchases are 100% guaranteed, Street Walker said. or a full refund would be issued in January 2017. Prices run from about $50,000 to as high as $3 million, depending on the difficulty or embarrassment involved.
“Opposing gay marriage or the Affordable Care Act are real deals these days,” he said, “since after SCOTUS they’re almost lost causes. Attacking them and the Supreme Court together in a speech goes for a mere $100,000, half price if I just issue a press release.”
On the other hand, persuasively presenting the environmental benefits of coal sludge is a $1.75 million item, “mainly because eliciting statements of support from fringe scientists is so difficult.
“You’d be surprised how rare those are,” the governor noted, “and how much it costs to bribe those stupid egg heads.”
“Sheldon’s law making gambling illegal.” he said. “except in his own casinos, is among my biggest ticket items — $2.5 million. I think we can swing that one, though if we only get online gambling banned he’s good for half.”
Applying a fresh coat of hypocrisy to his smarmy face, the Wisconsin governor concluded: “I can’t wait to turn 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into an open brothel, like under Nixon, instead of just the covert one it is now.
“Aw, did that hurt your tender liberal feelings? Well, you just remember Obama’s TPP.”
He thumped his grasping little fist. “Roll on, November 2016!”
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