[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Trump plans to offer $100 for every vote for him, “Proving once and for all, he who has the most money wins. Now that’s class.”
Donald Trump has come up with “the greatest, most classiest strategy ever” to win the presidency. Not only does he believe he doesn’t need money from the citizenry to win the election, he’s going to actually pay them for their vote.
Trump has just announced that anyone who can prove that they have voted for him by snapping a selfie as they mark their ballot for him will receive $100. “And please keep your photos classy,” he said, “we don’t need no Trump tramps.”
Trump is renting storefronts across the nation and is hiring a huge staff of knowledgeable techies to run the redemption centers. All you have to do is bring your selfie to the center where the Trump Techies will not only make sure it is you in the selfie, but that your vote was actually for Trump, and that you didn’t photoshop it.
The Trump Techies will then issue you a check in the design of a $100 bill with Trump’s likeness replacing Benjamin Franklin, which you can deposit or cash at any bank. For those who are complaining about the disrespect to one of our most beloved forefathers, The Donald points out that given a choice, people would prefer having a man with hair — fake or not — on their currency.
U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder is looking into the legality of Trump’s strategy. Senators are calling it electronically stuffing the ballot box, cheating, and definitely not classy.
However, when challenged at a recent press conference, Trump defended his tactics: “Free enterprise is the foundation of American democracy, and this is free enterprise in its purest, greatest sense. I don’t strong arm people; it’s a classy operation — the classiest. I just offer a deal on the free market of American politics. And I’m bringing politics into the future with the use of technology. Besides, politicians have always made promises to people if they vote for them; I’m just delivering my promise directly to the people.”
When asked if it was a type of bribery, he replied, “Since when is it bribery to reward someone for doing the right thing?” Then he turned to the reporter who dared to ask such a question, pointed, and said, “You’re fired.”
Diane de Anda
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