[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Notes on Kim Kardashian and her Rolling Stone interview
TV personality, selfie specialist, sex tape extraordinaire, model, mother, brand ambassador and the first female to obtain planning permission on her ass, Kim Kardashian is a formidable talent.
Her latest interview with Rolling Stone has caused quite a stir, with the 34-year-old Keeping Up With the Kardashians star stating, “I am so much more intellectuable than people give me credit for.”
The woman who puts the Kim in Kimye sat down with Rolling Stone‘s Contributing Editor Vanessa Grigoriadis, inviting the American journalist into her world of endless brunches and unrivaled insanity. The interview touched on everything from her loving husband to living with O.J. Simpson.
“In 20 years, honestly, I want to be known as The Statue of Sexual Liberty, kind of like my ‘stepdad’ (Caitlyn Jenner),” stated the delusional socialite.
When asked about her adolescence, Kim replied, “when I was a teen, I dated TJ, Michael Jackson’s nephew. TJ and Michael were very close, they shared everything, and I mean everything — popcorn, jokes, teddy bears, creative ideas, sometimes even the same bed. I remember finding one of Michael’s gloves in TJ’s underwear drawer, but I never brought it up.”
A curious looking Grigoriadis asked Kim to describe the most rebellious thing she did as a youngster, to which she responded, “Secretly marrying Dennis Rodman at the age of 22. It only lasted a few days. That guy was nuts, always talking about North Korea. I didn’t even know where it was, I still don’t.”
The same year Kim encountered further drama when she found her stepfather in the garage — “He was wearing my mom’s clothes, dancing around to Cyndi Lauper‘s ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun.’ It was disturbing. He turned to me and said, ‘hey doll, you can call me Caitlyn.'”
“I was shaking, uncontrollable with rage,” Kardashian says. “I hate that Cyndi Lauper song. Honestly, I knew that I had just uncovered his deepest, dirtiest, darkest secret. His record collection was stunning, The Stones, Clapton, Zeppelin, then, boom, out of the blue, he’s listening to Lauper. Oh yeah, the whole cross-dressing thing was a little weird, too.”
According to Kim, Jenner called her on the phone less than a half hour later, and said, “One day, I promise we’ll talk about this, but if you tell your mum, I will find you, and I will kill you.”
A bemused-looking Kardasian added, “Of course he would have found me, we lived under the same roof.”
Eight years on from the incident, Jenner said, “We need to have THAT talk,” shortly before Kim’s wedding to the most humble man in music, Kanye West. Kardashian spoke to Kanye about the cross-dressing incident. “I told my hubby to be that Bruce was going to walk me down the aisle, even though he had just shaved his trachea,” she says.
West assuaged any concerns. “[Kanye] obviously moves to his own tune. Literally, he only ever listens to his own music. He’s his own favorite artist,” she says. “He lives his life in a peculiar manner, and he was like, ‘If you can’t, like, shave your trachea, like, what is the point in anything, like?’ The man is a poet.”
Kim briefly spoke about living with her father, Robert Kardashian, when he worked as O.J. Simpson’s attorney. Back in 1994 — the year in which the actor/athlete was accused of murder — OJ moved in to her dad’s home, sharing a room with Kim.
“It was surreal, OJ regularly had nightmares, wetting the bed in the process. He was sleeping on the top bunk, I was on the bottom, so the constant leakage was kind of gross. It’s really weird. I try not to think about it,” Kim says.
Hate her or love her, Kim Kardashian is anything but boring.
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