[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Regulate gay marriage out of existence, chip by chip, until in practice nothing’s left but the closet.” – Karl Rove
WASHINGTON, DC – GOP political strategist and former Bush’s Brain, Karl Rove, said yesterday that calls to destroy the Supreme Court legislatively or financially over gay marriage were “unfortunately unconstitutional and impractical.”
Rove was reacting to statements by presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee, who all threw separate but equal hissy fits following the Court’s legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States.
Rove said that he fully supported their outrage, “but they should fight smarter, not harder.”
The steely-eyed pundit, whose face was once compared to a cooked ham, recommended instead that the GOP/Tea Party follow its “brilliantly successful” anti-abortion campaign, waged against Roe v. Wade since 1973.
“It is now so difficult to obtain an abortion,” he pointed out, “that the legal right to have one is virtually meaningless.”
In the same way, gay marriage could “quickly be reduced to little more than a theoretical right” hedged about with regulations and requirements so onerous no one could possibly live by them.
“They’d all be scurrying back into their little closets, where they belong,” he said schadenfreudianly, “along with the feminazis and their bloody coat hangers.”
History’s lesson, Rove continued, was that you need to conceal your objectives behind a high-sounding moral or social purpose – protecting children, for example, because who could possibly oppose that?
“So the first thing we’ll do is make it illegal for married gays to buy a house within 2,000 feet of a school,” Rove said. Then a “prominent pink triangle” would have to be posted on their front lawns so that neighbors with children could object and require them to move.
“Look,” Rove went on, “it’s not that we’re saying gays and lesbians are more likely to prey on little kids but, hey, we’ve all read the stories and we just want to make sure, okay? I mean, you have a problem with that? If just one molestation is prevented, right?”
Mr Rove polished his steel-rimmed glasses. “Then we’ll rule that married gays of all three genders must be tested twice every month for HIV,” he said.
“Not that we’re saying they’re more prone to HIV, of course, but, hey, it’s just simple hygiene and also for their own health and safety and the health and safety of the children in their neighborhood.”
Rove said that “males indulging in gay marriage” would be required to wear state-approved condoms at all times, and especially when they – but he was unable to complete the sentence. “Whatever it is they do when they do it,” he said.
Random home searches and on-street pat downs by the local police, day or night, would ensure that this requirement was strictly adhered to.
“You get the idea,” Rove said, looking and sounding remarkably like Himmler. “I’m sure there are all kinds of frustrations and annoyances officials will be able to dream up when they put their hypocritical little minds to it.”
“Indeed, I foresee a time,” he said, eyes shining, “when ‘personhood’ legislation will apply equally to gays, and we’ll imprison them and poor women together for failing to have children of their own!”
Standing up, Herr Rove applied his right hand to his nose tip in what he called “a nasal salute” to gays and feminists.
He then drove off for his hebdomadal lunch with Rush Limbaugh.
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