[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Plans to buy entire country of Greece, pay off its debts, and create ‘a Mediterranean paradise’
ATHENS – Following behind-the-scenes negotiations with the Greek government, an international consortium of billionaires headed by U.S. investor Warren Buffet has offered to purchase the entire country outright for $100 billion.
“Billionaires for Greece,” as the group is called, will pay off Athens’ foreign debt of $96 billion, “plus four billion to restore the country’s pension system and bank liquidity,” Mr Buffet added.
“Then we’ll strategically invest until this great and historic culture is restored to financial health.”
Mr Buffet said that the $100 billion was “frankly, a mere bagatelle” to the 85 individuals who own half the planet’s wealth.
“Between the 20 of us who make up the core group,” he said, “five billion apiece is hardly noticeable. Even without the Koch Brothers and the Walton family,” he said, “who think history is bunk and culture for the birds, we’ve got more than enough.”
Mr Buffet said that Bill Gates alone had personally offered to restore the Acropolis, while Carlos Slim, the Mexican billionaire, was “thinking about” fixing up the Temple of Zeus in Olympia and “reconstructing” the Colossus of Rhodes.
Plans to turn the Isle of Lesbos into a feminist paradise managed by Gloria Steinem were also being actively considered.
“Funnily enough, it turns out that six of us already own Greek islands,” Mr Buffett said. “So really it’s just an extension of what already exists.”
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras cautiously welcomed the offer but said he could face a huge political backlash.
“There will be some,” he said, “who might resist Sheldon Adelson’s plan to turn Corfu into a Mediterranean Las Vegas, with a new airport, bright lights, casinos and brothels.
“However, it’s really just one island, and we’ll get a cut of the profits. Also, he’s absolutely promised to keep Donald Trump out of it, so that’s a big plus for us.”
Warren Buffett noted that his consortium was negotiating with Disney to build a “Disney at Delphi” international theme park, featuring the “six-packed” male actors who starred in “300: Rise of an Empire,” and a life-size Trojan Horse “to represent the whole enterprise.”
He explained: “After Greece, it’s likely that Spain will be next on the market, and soon after that most of the rest of Europe, except maybe Germany and Scandinavia. That’s fine, because the tourists have to come from somewhere.”
Mr Buffett said that after buying Europe, “there are many other countries in the world who would willingly sell us their souls. Hey, I could buy Haiti tomorrow for a couple of million, if I wanted.
“Ten years from now,” Mr Buffett concluded, “the 85 families will not only be able to afford to buy everything on earth, they’ll actually own it.”
He then added, with crushing inevitability: “Today Greece, tomorrow the world!”
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