[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Hispanics love me, gays love me, the blacks and other losers all love me,’ claims Donald Trump, the flaxen-haired Republican front-runner.
New York – America was overwhelmed today by a vast outpouring of love and affection for GOP presidential candidate and world-class Hindenburg impersonator, Donald Trump, according to a new poll conducted by the Trump organization.
“What did I tell you? I’m just totally adored,” Trump trumpeted at a press conference, predicting that he would win the 2016 presidential election “with the greatest majority in the entire history of world democratic elections.”
He said that winning “upwards of 110% of the vote” was well within reach and would assure the GOP “of a hundred-year majority in the White House.”
El Supremo, as he likes to be called by his staff and family, noted that while his own organization had sponsored the survey, the results were “by far the most accurate and trustworthy in the entire history of world political polling,” comparable to Dewey’s famous victory over Truman in 1948.
“And we’ve all seen that picture!” he added triumphantly.
“My new poll numbers,” Mr Trump continued, “prove that not only will I get the Hispanic vote, but also the homo vote, the nig – the black vote, and even my ex-wives’ vote and all their dykey friends.
“They all love John McCain and you know how he feels about me. Oh, he pretends he’s angry, but really he’s just a repressed homosexual so his love comes out as hostility. John McCain is deeply in love with me — what a loser.”
Mr Trump went on: “Catholics love me more than they love what’s-his-name — Benedict, Francis, whatever — and of course the Jews are in my pocket so to speak because they have a well-known, historic appreciation for gelt. Did I tell you I’m really rich?”
Mr Trump said that he was particularly pleased with the support he was getting from “those guys with all the capital letters, you know, the Caitlyn Jenner crowd.”
He added that “quite a few of those guys or gals, or whatever they are, personally told my agents I could come over and kiss their asses. That’s what they do, you know, so it’s really the biggest compliment in the entire history of our planet. It was actually my idea, of course, like leaving Macy’s.”
The next president of the United States said that all votes were critical, so survey respondents “were generously compensated for their time, which I can well afford. Did I mention that I’m really rich?”
In response to a reporter’s question, Mr Trump noted that paying poll respondents “wasn’t really a bribe,” any more than the $200 million given to the House and Senators to pass the TPP was a bribe.
“If that were true,” Mr Trump laughed, “our great Constitution would be just a hollow sham, instead of the Greatest Con, as I prefer to call it, in the entire history of the universe.
“Now that, my friend, is American exceptionalism.”
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