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Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/26/15

Jul 262015
 
 By , July 26, 2015

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines todayDisney slams Amy Schumer over sexualized Star Wars pics

C’mon, lighten up, Disney, Jeez, the movies have characters named Hans Solo, Princess Leia and Kit Fisto.

Trump kids defend Dad

Proving true ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way.’

Obama tells Jon Stewart: ‘We move the ball forward’

Which disqualifies him from ever coaching the NY Jets.

Cosby wants hush money back from accuser after confidentially agreement broken

C’mon, Bill, Y’also gonna ask her to chip in for Quaaludes you gave her?

Kim Kardashian’s wax figure will take a selfie with you

You know it’s her wax figure, because it has a wider range of facial expressions.

Happy National Hot Dog Day

Except, you, Anthony Weiner…

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert to divorce

Sounds like Shelton and Lambert went from singing country songs to being one.

Ashley Madison: Hackers threaten to publish client details from cheating-focused dating site

Or, as it’s also known, Bill Clinton’s address book file.

Hulk Hogan fired from WWE for racist comments

Whoa, Hogan went from the WWE to the WTF.

Philippines bars Chris Brown from leaving over concert row

Usually, places want to ban him from staying.

North Korea says no interest in Iran-style nuclear deal

However, they may go for one that’s ‘Gangnam Style.’

50 Cent testifies his lifestyle is an illusion: ‘I take the jewelry and cars back to the stores’

Winona Ryder: ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written and/or Produced for shows on FUSE, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO, XM/Sirius and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on Leno, Letterman, Conan, "Last Comic Standing," etc., Hobo Pancakes and Humor Times. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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  • Cathy Turney

    Hilarious, Paul! But that’s your MO!!