[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Seagulls have attacked Michael D. Higgins, the president of Ireland, and he plans to strike back.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a seagull is “a large, common, usually grey and white bird that lives near the ocean.” According to Irish people, a seagull is “one scary bastard.”
“It’s like something out of Hitchcock’s The Birds,” commented Michael D. Higgins, the president of Ireland. Last Friday, shortly after addressing a public gathering in Dublin, the politician, poet, sociologist, author, broadcaster and real life leprechaun was attacked by two seagulls.
The diminutive Higgins — 5′ 0″ (1.52 m) — found himself being carried away by the two humongous birds. Although his security team managed to wrestle the president away from his aggressors, Mr.Higgins was visibly upset, “Assassination attempts, I understand, but seagulls trying to abduct one of the most powerful men in Ireland, it’s unacceptable behavior, it really is. Terrorists, a bunch of terrorists.”
The Gardaí, the Irish state police force, released photos of the culprits, labeling both birds “extremely dangerous.”
“It is no exaggeration to say that Ireland finds itself under attack,” said Conor McGregor, the current UFC Interim Featherweight Champion and unofficial president of Ireland. “Seagulls are bolder, bigger and more aggressive than ever before. The bastards are nesting along Irish coastlines, and they seem to be more interested in blood than bacon sandwiches. In the past two weeks, three tourists have been pecked to death in the country’s capital. Why do you think I moved to LA? I saw this day coming.”
The crisis has developed to the point where the president has launched an all-out attack. During a visit to London on Saturday, Michael D said “drone strikes were inevitable” and needed to happen “sooner rather than later.”
Speaking to BBC Radio, Mr. Higgins said, “Frankly speaking, after yesterday’s attack on my life, we need to hit these seagulls hard and fast, and drone strikes seem the most logical solution. Destroy their nest, fight them in the air, we cannot show mercy.”
According to Steven Seagull, the vice president of OIAT, Ornithology Is Actually Interesting, the problem is simple enough — these birds are no longer scared of us. “What’s happened in recent years is that the birds have become much more accustomed to living alongside Irish people.”
“Gulls, like biker gangs, work in teams,” he added. “If one is distressed it will send out a signal and others will help.”
Steven himself was “swarmed’’ by 57 gulls, after a pair nesting on the roof of his house in Cork decided he was straying too close and called in reinforcements.
“I was clawed in the face by a particularly sadistic bird. This seemed to spur on the others who then dive-bombed – and defecated – upon my head. I had no choice but to flee, and I have yet to return to my house. This incident happened two months ago. Ireland, a country still recovering from an economic implosion, is under attack. It’s like the English invading and torturing us all over again,” said the much-respected ornithologist
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