CAC banner ad
Humor Times subscribe
WET River Trips

[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Next GOP Debate to Follow ‘Hunger Games / Dating Naked’ Format

Aug 082015
 
 By , August 8, 2015

Naked presidential hopefuls will hunt each other down, survivor wins nomination, according to new GOP debate rules.

NEW YORK – Fox News announced today that it was launching a new ‘Hunger Games’ reality show in which all 17 GOP presidential hopefuls would be released naked into the wilds with instructions to hunt one another down “to the death.”

The lone survivor of this radical new GOP debate format will be the party’s nominee for president in 2016.

GOP Debate Hunger GamesFox’s president and de facto Republican Party Chairman, Roger Ailes, said at a news conference that candidates would be flown out to Yora Goosa Isa Kookt, a tiny atoll in the South Pacific with nothing but palm trees, a small spring and a flock of rare Nene geese, for whom it is named.

Donald Trump would not be allowed to use his own helicopter, but all candidates could bring a single weapon of their own choice. Ted Cruz, for example, was bringing an AR-15 wrapped in bacon, while Lindsey Graham would be armed with “an industrial-strength blender containing a cell phone.”

Ailes added: “Cruz believes that if he doesn’t get his opponents with the rifle, the nitrates and cholesterol in the bacon should do the trick. And Lindsey has a frightening sneer.”

Among other weapons, GOP front runner Donald Trump would bring only his own monstrous ego, using it to drain all the oxygen out of the air. However, Ailes said, the likely highlight of the first day would be “killing the pig,” i.e., the bloated billionaire, who is scheduled to be hunted down by the rest in a “tasteful reenactment” of the famous episode in Lord of the Flies.

Megyn Kelly would “gleefully but professionally” provide the commentary for this part of the debate. After Piggy’s death, organizers say, the pack will roast him over a celebratory bonfire and then deal with one another. The Donald Trump Roast will go down in history.

Ailes went on to note that Rick Santorum was bringing a huge Bible to thump everyone with. Mike Huckabee, going one better, had decided to “rely on the Word of Almighty God alone.”

It was expected that along with Trump, both would make an early exit.

The only weapon explicitly banned, Ailes said, was Chris Christie’s stomach, which the New Jersey governor would be required to keep covered at all times.

“Like the Medusa’s head, its too disgusting and horrible,” Ailes said, adding that Christie’s big fat mouth would keep him competitive, “just as it has until now.”

“And I really hope,” Ailes shuddered, “that Christie doesn’t also fetch along any of his birth-control methods. Just thinking about him having sex is nauseating, and I deal with Rupert Murdoch on a regular basis.”

Among the other candidates, Ailes noted, Rand Paul was bringing the entire US tax code and a box of matches. Rick Perry had developed something called the “Oops,” a secret weapon allowing him to “disappear” other candidates by failing to remember their names one out of three times.

In response to a reporter’s question, Ailes said that he was confident Carly Fiorina would be able to compete on equal terms with her male rivals. He pointed out that she is equipped “with a set of balls far larger than any of them,” and that she intends to use her testicular superiority to beat them into submission, “just like she did the so-called men at Hewlett Packard.”

Dr Ben Carson’s Hunger Games GOP debate strategy was to bore everyone to death. “He’s bringing a podium,” said Ailes, “and will simply keep talking until the rest commit suicide.”

The following two tabs change content below.
avatar
Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!