[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Herman Cain decides ‘the kids are alright’ as pizza stocks shoot up
Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain scowls a lot, but — as in his recent campaign ad — his frown is breaking into a big grin at the news that pizza sales are up nationwide.
The main source of this unprecedented spike in pizza sales? The Occupy Wall Street movement, say pizza store managers. It seems all those camping protesters have to eat something, and since pizza has the added benefit of supplying free sign-making material, it has been very popular at the gatherings.
Cain had earlier dismissed Wall Street protesters as “rebels without a cause,” saying they should all “go home and get a job and a life.” He also admonished them for not being rich like him, which is, he says, “their own fault.”
But since he has seen his extensive stock holdings in Godfathers Pizza shoot up, due to burgeoning pizza sales (he used to be the president of the company), Cain has changed his tone.
“Those adorable youngsters, they’re really just expressing themselves,” he said on the campaign trail in Florida today, “and what better way than on Godfathers Pizza boxes? Hey, like I’ve always said, the kids are alright, you know?”
“I hope somebody has told them they need lots of carbs to burn, to stay warm. And I know the perfect meal for them!” he added, beaming.
Some protesters warn that a pro-pizza faction springing up at demonstrations around the country and calling itself “Occupy Pizza Boxes” is just a marketing gimmick sponsored by Godfathers Pizza.
But members of the subgroup claim their motives are altruistic. “The movement needs to feed itself, and we need to make lots and lots of signs, so — duh!” said Jay Swanson, a self-proclaimed “OPBer,” adding that people can follow them on twitter at #OPB.
In a related story, Oakland mayor Jean Quan ordered pizza for all at the Occupy Oakland demonstration, saying, “I hope this will help soothe tensions over our little misunderstanding. Our fine officers sometimes get a little too enthusiastic at the prospect of shooting tear gas canisters, cracking heads and creating general mayhem. It’s an outlet for them.”
“To the guy whose skull got bashed, we’re including a little ice for that headache. Sorry about that!”
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