[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The 2016 presidential candidates filled us in on their (very strange) fitness programs.
Most people think candidates only run their mouths, but according to reports, Hillary runs 20k every morning, Bobby Jindal performs the plank for 65 minutes a day, and Donald Trump swears by a rigorous routine, one consisting mainly of pelvic floor exercises to control his crippling incontinence.
1) Bernie Sanders — Naked yoga: The mental image of Bernie doing naked yoga — especially the Downward-Facing Dog — may leave you feeling a little queasy, but the junior United States Senator from Vermont swears by it. The 73 year old famously said that, “Going nude on a mat is a trend that many Americans will eventually embrace.” Sanders, a huge fan of the unconventional workout, claims that it helps him really focus on his body and experience “an enlightening, liberating feeling of euphoria.” The Democratic Party candidate did give one piece of notable advice: “For people considering attending naked yoga classes, I cannot stress this enough — bring your own mat.”
2) Lindsey Graham — Karaoke spin class: “I love it, I truly love it, just me and the girls letting our hair down,” announced the most effeminate of the Republican Party presidential candidates (including Carly Fiorina). He added, “Dancing for fitness is, obviously, oh-so-popular these days, but what happens when a gal like myself has two left feet? Karaoke spin class, that’s what.” A genuine fan of the workout, Graham claims that the singing element forced him to learn how to control his breathing. In the words of the rather camp 60 year old, “If I can sing along to Dolly Parton, I know I need to step it up.”
3. Mike Huckabee — The Gospel Workout: When asked to describe the workout, Huckabee replied: “Think Mississippi Mass Choir meets P90X.” This faith-based workout is enough to make any Southerner sweat out all that fried chicken and lard, before begging the Lord for mercy. According to the Guns, Grits, Glutes & Gravy author, “Every one of the calorie-burning workouts, all 499 of them, kicks off with a prayer and finishes with a glorious Amen.”
4) Ted Cruz — Jukari: “If athletic apparel giant Reebok and Cirque du Soleil had a lovechild, then, undoubtedly, Jukari would be the end result. I can’t get enough of it,” says Ted Cruz, the Texan, bird faced presidential candidate. With a heavy element of circus-inspired theatrics, the workout, via a trapeze-like apparatus, allows an individual to swing, fly, spin, jump and, most importantly, according to the Abraham Lincoln of Sarah Palins, “tone the body.”
There you have it, folks, why not give one of these exercises a go? Although, please, if you’re going to do naked yoga at home, close those curtains.
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