[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]
Iowa decides to highlight ‘true nature of American politics’ by penning presidential candidates.
This year’s crop of Presidential weeds… er… candidates made their appearance this week at the traditional starting showcase for the presidential primaries, the Iowa State Fair. But this time, the circus was presented in stock pens, “as it should be,” according to Iowa primary officials.
All the hopefuls vying for the so-called honor of being chosen the Commander-in-Chief of the United States were herded into a fenced-off pen in one of the livestock barns and put on display.
After a few hours, it was realized that they had to separate the Republican from the only two Democrats, or the dictatorial right wing candidates might annihilate the not-so-aggressive liberals.
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were immediately put into their own pen with an empty space separating them from their traditional enemies. Then they had to also separate Donald Trump from the rest of his Right wing colleagues as well, or risk having him afflict them with lacerating bites.
The penning up of the contestants was a brain child of Iowa constituents. They said they figured it would “more accurately portray the true nature of modern American politics, and also make a great display at the Iowa State Fair.” This setup would still allow the candidates to pretend they cared about what the Iowa voters thought, and in turn allow the Iowa voters to show what they thought of the campaigning runners.
Comments from the attending public were mixed:
One chunky farmer prodded Hillary with a finger and said: “This heifer here is saggin’ a bit too much off the bones,” to which she viciously bit him on the wrist.
Another farmer looked at Bernie Sanders and said, “This chicken is way past broiling time. They need to use him fer fertilizer!”
A lot of women flocked around Marco Rubio, more because the cuteness factor than any political interests they might have had. “Say, this brown one is a looker! Ah wouldn’t mind using him fer a bed warmer at night,” said one, to which the other ladies cackled.
A number of other women spent a moment gandering at Ted Cruz and walked away disappointed. “I thought it was Tom Cruise what wuz supposed to be here!”
Huckabee held prayer meetings with the people who came to see him. They walked away with a lot of cow poop on their knees.
Some people came up and petted Scott Walker, which he seemed to like.
Rand Paul explained his philosophy to anyone who would listen. They mostly just looked at him like he was a three-legged duck and walked away.
The most common thing said about black Republican Ben Carson was, “Didn’t we have one just like him be elected last time?” as they walked away.
Chris Christie ate one of the goats when no one was looking.
Jeb Bush seemed uneasy with the little old ladies who pinched his cheeks and dotingly said, “Doesn’t he look just like his brother?”
Rick Perry spent most of the time curled up in a ball in the corner whimpering.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump rabidly savaged anyone who got too close to his cage.
Whichever candidates survive will go on to further debates elsewhere.
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