[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
A survey released today by the Getty Research Institute found that schizophrenic voters are most concerned about a growing army of incessantly buzzing wasps which inhabit their pillows at night. Defeating this insect army and finally getting a good night’s sleep has become the key issue on which these voters are concentrating.
“The finding did come as a bit of a surprise,” said Getty Research analyst Jim Paulson. “The wasp army has surpassed several hot button issues which previously typified schizophrenic concerns- topics which included the government’s nefarious monitoring of thoughts via microwave ovens, the amplified voice of Ed McMahon encouraging murder played on a continuous loop throughout the house, and disembodied tongue syndrome.”
Aside from the immediate inconvenience of interrupted sleep, there is a growing fear among many schizophrenics that the wasp army will eventually break free of their billowy confines, infiltrate the ear canal and create a brain nest from which they will control their host’s every action while creating a cacophony of buzzing through which no other sound can penetrate.
“Once they’ve reached the brain, all bets are off,” stated Nancy Turbin, a schizophrenic who participated in the survey. “My concerns about radio active soda cans and razor sharp grass blades have by no means disappeared but the wasp army is a much more pressing issue. How can we possibly maintain enough energy to thwart the mailman’s attempts at mind control if our sleep is constantly being interrupted by stings to the face? Schizophrenics need a candidate who is serious about solving this problem.”
Heeding the call of voters like Mrs.Turbin, both Barak Obama and John McCain have started to court the nearly 2.5 million strong schizophrenic demographic. The two have vastly differing opinions on how to deal with the rouge army. Obama has so far not ruled out diplomacy, stating he’d be willing to have talks on a conditional basis with the wasps’ leaders. This plan has drawn fire by the McCain camp which supports increased sanctions and possible military/bug spray intervention.
Senator McCain suffered harsh criticism on this issue earlier in the week when a senior advisor called the wasp army “an invasion of the mind” and suggested that schizophrenics are “whiners.” McCain quickly condemned the remarks and stated he did not share or condone his advisor’s views.
Despite this setback, McCain is holding a slight lead over Obama among schizophrenic voters. A recent AP Gallop poll found 38% of schizophrenics felt Senator McCain was best equiped to deal with the wasp army, while 32% favored Obama and a surprising 30% sided with an invisible closet angel.
“McCain has military experience and a proven track record in similar situations,” said Tim Leskin, a long time schizophrenic and McCain supporter. “We all remember the leadership he displayed during the gamma-ray-shooting-television incident of ’92 and the sunflower invasion of ’03.”
Other core issues among schizophrenic voters in 2008 include: air conditioners spewing scentless poisonous gases; melting of the teeth; electrified toenails; and the spying neighbor across the street who can see through walls.
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