[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Like my pal Dick Cheney, I believe what I did was the right thing,” says flaming fuhrer.
DEPTHS OF HELL – Interviewed last night via GoogleSeance™ satellite, former German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler said passionately that he has no regrets about his decision to invade the Sudetenland in 1938.
Hitler added that he had been prompted to speak by Dick Cheney’s “masterful interview with Anderson Cooper last night. God, I wish I’d had television,” he sighed, “especially Fox.”
Speaking from the Depths of Hell, to which he is eternally confined, the ex-Fuhrer added that his invasion of Czechoslovakia, like Operation Iraqi Freedom, “was the right thing to do at the time. I believed it then and I believe it now. Like the Bush administration, I have no apologies.”
The former Reichskanzler, who ruled Germany from 1933 until his suicide in 1945, said that given the intelligence available in 1938, his government had no alternative but to invade.
“Even knowing what we know today,” he added between gasps of pain as the Devil’s Tormentors relentlessly plied their task, “it was a really good deal. The world was a better and safer place afterwards. The years of war, destruction and human misery that followed were well worth it.”
“Hell Hitler,” as his fellow devilish inmates mockingly call him, noted that at the time of his invasion, Czechoslovakia possessed vast energy resources, especially coal and oil. These facts alone entitled “the greatest country in the world,” to seize them “for the greater good of Germany, and of course Prescott Bush in America, who bankrolled us for a cut in the profits.”
The fired-up fuhrer said among yelps of pain that the “God-given doctrine of German Exceptionalism,” meant that Deutschland was and always would be “uber Alles.” Anybody who disagreed should go back to wherever they came from, or at least Mexico.
The Reich’s unfortunate defeat in World War II, Hitler said, and its subsequent withdrawal from Czechoslovakia and other occupied territories, was the result of his successors’ “feckless foreign policy” and “military weakness.”
He went on: “Contrary to the historical facts, we left Europe in great shape. But then, I’m not a scientist. If only our policies had been continued.”
The flaming fiery fuhrer blamed the Greek crisis, the rise of China and the Fukushima nuclear disaster on President Obama and later governments for withdrawing too soon. “Imagine if we still had 100,000 troops in Czechoslovakia today,” he said.
On a more personal note, the damned dictator said that apart from his hourly water-boardings and rectal-rehydrations, he feels most hurt by History’s harsh judgment upon him.
“I had real class once,” he said, “just like Dick Cheney claimed in his Anderson Cooper interview. Cheney and me,” he added, “we coulda been contenders, instead of the miserable, lying, sociopathic, self-serving bums we really are.”
The frantic fuhrer suddenly and dramatically ripped off his famous toothbrush mustache, revealing features astonishingly like America’s most despised vice president.
“That’s right, Dick Cheney, you’re next!” he screamed, as a group of laughing demons fed him piece by piece into a roaring gas oven.
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