[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
>As Arctic opens up, Bush declares “Mission Accomplished”
Still-President George W. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” today in the fight to open up more oil fields. “The melting arctic ice will open access to one third of proven reserves,” Bush said at a White House press conference, siting a new report by the US Geological Survey, “which are reserves we desperately need – to power hundreds of millions of air conditioners through the next century, thus reducing the inconvenient truth of discomfort during our global warming campaign.”
“The advantages of this new oil source are obvious. Instead of having to fight seasoned terrorist nations, all we have to do is convince the Canadians to let us have the oil off their northern coasts,” said Bush in response to a query about legal ownership of the Arctic oil fields, “and we all know how accommodating those Canucks can be, eh?”
In prepared remarks at the press conference, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson said, “Now you see why I was not interested in catering to liberal whiners’ demands to regulate greenhouse gases – that would have only delayed this essential progress.”
Asked about the threat to polar bears, Johnson replied, “We’ve planned ahead for that. With the huge supply of new fuel, we will be able to create a new polar bear reserve. By installing refrigerator coils beneath one of the big ice chunks that are breaking off, we can keep it frozen for them.”
Republicans in Congress have rushed to embrace the new study, saying it validates Bush’s long-term strategy.
“Finally, near the end of this great president’s term in office, we can see he was right all along,” said House minority leader John Boehner, adding, “this is great news as we approach the elections – our party is vindicated! Global warming will free us from oil supply constraints. I’d like to hear environmentalists debunk this one!”
Democrats were more subdued, claiming it will only delay the inevitable need to build up the nation’s alternative energy capacity.
“This doesn’t change anything. We’re still the party of the people, and by that I mean the people lobbying for the oil industry, who should tell their clients to send all their political campaign donations to us,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “since we don’t have any qualms about drilling in the Arctic – that ain’t our coast, after all.”
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