[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Kim Davis promises to end the hypocrisy and start enforcing “God’s law” in all cases.
Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis is still not issuing marriage licenses, invoking “God’s authority,” despite a rebuke from the Supreme Court on her lawyer’s appeal. But in order to “avoid the appearance of hypocrisy,” she said, she will refuse marriage licenses to couples who eat pork as well.
“Pork eaters can suck it!” she said, “They are violating God’s law — Deuteronomy 14:8. Bacon for breakfast? You can stay single and cook it for yourself then, you evil infidel. And if I were your pastor, you’d be out of my church too!”
“Of course, as a woman, I could never be a pastor, nor would I ever dream of even uttering a peep in church! The Lord forbids it — 1 Corinthians 14:34. That’s why I do all my religious pontificating at work instead,” she said.
Davis added that “since America is based on Christianity, despite what those heathen founding fathers said,” she would also be denying divorce certificates to anyone. “God clearly says you must not divorce — Matthew 5:32, 19:9, Mark 10:11 and Luke 16:18 — and that you can’t marry anyone who’s ever been divorced.”
“Man, this is awesome,” she went on, “I’m going to really cut down on my work load! Praise the Lord. Thank you, Jesus!”
And that’s just the beginning of the changes Kim Davis plans to implement in Rowan County, now that she will be strictly adhering to the Bible in her secular government post.
“No more passports or property deeds for longhairs (l Corinthians 11:14) or well-dressed women (l Timothy 2:9 and 1 Peter 3 :3), no licenses for tattooed business owners (Leviticus 19:28), and definitely no county IDs for those godless beard-trimmers! (Leviticus 19:27)” she said.
“I never imagined I would be asked to violate a central teaching of Jesus Himself regarding marriage,” Davis said earlier in a written statement. “And the fact that Jesus never once commented on same-sex practices in the Bible is just proof he was totally embarrassed by such unholiness.”
Later, informed that fighting the issue in court like she did is against biblical teaching (1 Corinthians 6:1), Davis said, “Oh, shit! I mean, Jesus fucking Christ! Sorry, Lord … I mean golly gee wiz. Well, hell, I guess I’ll have to resign after all.”
And as for the population of Rowan County, “they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy.” (Matthew 2:10)
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