The Pope is coming: How to be prepared
- Pay a visit to your local Planned Parenthood for a new prescription for birth control pills.
- While you’re there, have the abortion you’ve been putting off.
- Have protected sex with multiple partners of different religions, races, and genders.
- Stay home and masturbate.
- Visit the Museum of Natural History’s exhibit on evolution.
- Research and Instagram your city’s five best lox-on-a-bagel-with-a-schmeer.
- Get a jump start on building your sukkah.
- Confess your mortal sins to a Protestant minister.
- Knock down half a dozen beers in The Cock, a rock and sleaze fag bar, dressed in drag.
- Build a giant border wall with Donald Trump at the Mexican border.
- Avoid masses of Latino immigrants, or masses of any kind.
- Make a pilgrimage to the Vatican in Rome — no lines to get into the Sistine Chapel!
- Lip sync John Lennon in a karaoke bar: “I don’t believe in Jesus. I just believe in me.”
- Don’t show your love for our Holy Father by wearing your “I ♥ POPE FRANCIS” tee shirt in public. Don a NJ Devils shirt instead.
- If you live in DC, NY, or Philly, PTFO.
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Candy Schulman is a nationally recognized writer, professor and college essay coach. She has published hundreds of personal essays, humor pieces, and articles in leading print and online publications.
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