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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

‘The Donald’ to Name Individuals to Serve in a Trump Presidency

Sep 282015
 By , September 28, 2015

A Trump presidency might include Sarah Palin, Mel Gibson and the recently located Elvis Presley, say sources.

Reliable sources say that “The Donald” has begun naming names regarding who would serve in a Trump presidency if he is elected. Pundits say that Trump expects such an announcement to help him pull further ahead of the Republican field.

Trump presidency to include Palin?Trump had told his staff that he considered it a toss-up between Mel Gibson and Rush Limbaugh for Vice President. Trump’s staff, however, informed him he couldn’t pick somebody born in Australia, which came as a surprise to him, since he thought it would be okay as long as the veep candidate wasn’t born in Kenya.

Rumor has it that Trump has now settled on Paris Hilton as his running mate. Sources say he hopes running with her will help him win the women’s vote. Still, she might also end up as Secretary of Education, since Trump says she is a “winner when it comes to making instructional videos.” Gibson is now being considered for ambassador to Israel because he is so familiar with the Via Dolorosa. Trump also thinks Rush could be a great press secretary.

Secretary of Interior in a Trump presidency is definitely going to the guy who poached, beheaded, and skinned Cecil the Lion, sources say. Cecil will be mounted in the Interior department and replicas of him will be placed in the Rose Garden and in the Rotunda of the Capitol building. This, Trump apparently feels, will show his links to the Teddy Roosevelt bull-moose legacy — “Moose schmoose, lion schmion, what the heck,” says Trump, the New Yorker.

Trump insists Roosevelt was only half right when he said speak softly and carry a big stick. Trump is planning to carry a big stick and he hopes to market autographed Big Sticks. In fact, Trump boasts that he has always carried a big stick.

Howard Stern might be considered for FCC commissioner or Secretary of Education because of his experience in both these areas. However, Trump is also considering Michelle Bachman for education, since she and her husband have had so much experience running programs to reeducate homosexuals. On the other hand, Trump is well aware of all that Stern and Paris Hilton have already taught Americans and how much more each still has to teach. There are several others still being considered.

Louis Gomert or Sheriff Arapho would be appointed ambassador to Mexico in a Trump presidency, sources say. Sarah Palin will be the new ambassador to Russia because she has already seen so much of it. According to another reliable source, Trump will make Denis Rodman either our representative in the UN or ambassador to North Korea. For the sake of respectability, Trump is going to offer George W. Bush the ambassadorship to France, where Trump thinks Bush will no doubt win plaudits when he introduces them to Freedom Fries.

In a tradition-breaking first, Trump plans to make Benjamin Netanyahu Secretary of State. The conversations in this area are pretty far along. Although many in Israel will be disappointed, Trump has accepted Netanyahu’s argument that he can be both Secretary of State and prime minister of Israel. And Trump now understands that prime minister is not a type of steak served in the restaurants in hotels he owns.

For the sake of racial diversity and to show his administration’s commitment to integrity, Trump is going to make Barry Bonds attorney general. If Bonds declines, Sammy “Corked Bat” Sosa says he will accept, if he can continue to live in the Dominican Republic.

Howard Stern has assured Trump that he knows a couple of people, such as himself, who are well qualified to handle special White House events, such as entertainment at state dinners. In a bipartisan move, Trump has told Stern to ask Obama after the Donald’s election to appear at state dinners in blackface and to sing spirituals and do a shuffle and tap dance, but no shucking and jiving, and certainly no fist bump, since that lacks an entertaining nostalgia.

Stern also says a Trump presidency should work for legalizing prostitution in the United States. Trump has tentatively agreed and is working on a slogan, something like, “every American is entitled to a Nevada in his backyard.” Porn shmorn, go for the gusto, Stern has advised Trump.

Trump promises that first chance he gets he will nominate Rachel Dolezal to the Supreme Court because in America you can be anything you want to be. Why with Dolezal, says Trump, you get a threefer, a woman, a white, and a black. Trump has noted that not only did she want to devote her life to the black struggle, but she also wanted to help lead it. Trump said he considers that “very white of her.”

Trump is also thinking Paris Hilton would be a natural for Secretary of Human Services. Still other advisers say it makes more political sense to pick Willie Nelson to be Secretary of Health, where he will lead a campaign for legalizing marijuana nationally. Trump is counting on the pothead vote to supplement the D%CK head vote he already has. Nelson is reluctant, but Trump has secretly promised to take care of all of Nelson’s medical recreational arrests and tax liens, past and future, if he will only help to make his country high and mighty in its hour of need. Trump told Nelson that, “I am mighty high on my country.” Nelson said, “so am I.” Nelson has assured Trump that it is the mighty thought of being high that blows the weed.

Glen Beck would be placed in charge of Homeland Security in a Trump presidency because of his interest in conspiracies. Sascha Baron Cohen is going to become a U. S. citizen in order to accept a special assignment in the Trump administration to work on multicultural affairs and gender issues. Trump thinks Cohen’s friendships with Ali G and Borat, as well as his Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazahistan will make Cohen eminently qualified for this role.

Pete Rose is probably going to be named head of the FBI. Trump loves baseball players, especially those who he thinks official baseball doesn’t love and appreciate. If Bonds and Sosa turn down the offer to be attorney general, Rose might get that position. In any case, Trump will not let Rose be involved in any political gambles his administration might take, because he thinks Rose will bet against his own team and is not good at calculating the odds in any case. Trump is also considering Rose for chair of the Federal Reserve Board, which he thinks needs a gambler type.

Elvis Presley has been located and will be in charge of the outer space program as well as a special agent for the bureau of drug enforcement, as he was during the Nixon administration. This will secure the Elvis is not Dead vote.

Trump wants to make clear his commitment to bipartisanship, and money, he says, is no object in his efforts to make bipartisanship part of the forthcoming Donald order. Being fired by NBC Universal has not discouraged Trump. Given his “love for and from the Mexicans,” he said, he does find the firing incomprehensible. In new future pageants that he plans to organize and host while also serving as president, Trump hopes to involve Bill and Hillary Clinton and their Foundation. He wasn’t sure Bill would accept, but according to a reliable source Bill said, “not accept, you gotta be kidding, I love to mentor young women.” Hillary will be in charge of pageant security. Bill will not be allowed to pass out cigars to the winner and the runners up.

Ray Rice and his wife Janay are making a commercial for the Trump campaign about the importance of marriage and football. While riding up an elevator with Ray, she will explain how she didn’t let a little fist bump ruin true love.

Vince McMahon, president of the World Wide Wrestling Federation, will become chair of both the National Endowment for the Humanities and the National Endowment for the Arts in any Trump presidency.

Watching the Donald you have to admit that all of this sounds very plausible and will probably be supported by at least 20 percent of the Republican voters.

Remember you read it here first.

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Jerry Hirsch

Jerry Hirsch is professor emeritus of history at Truman State University in Kirksville, where he pursues research on American cultural history. He wrote "Portrait of America: The Federal Writers’ Project and American Culture" (2003). Jerry left Chicago after high school and hasn’t been back except to visit. Nevertheless he has remained a lifelong suffering Cubs fan. Ever optimistic, he thinks the time of suffering has ended and that he and his Cubs will soon enter the promised land.

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