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Slippery Slope

Oct 022015
 By , October 2, 2015

Perv who likes his sexual partners smooth – and shiny, hard and cold – is on a slippery slope.

A man who is sexually attracted to playground equipment was recently banned from “any location with a slide” after being caught having sex with one.

Christopher Johnson, 46, was described by the newspaper who reported this item as having a “powerful fetish for children’s playground equipment.”

The newspaper noted that this was his second “slide-related offense.”

The playground pervert was arrested when four people called the cops after witnessing him “interacting in a lascivious way” with the slide.

So much for that pleasant little picnic at the local park.

When this news hit the internet, this poor tortured soul’s plight was met with sympathy and understanding. Ha ha, I’m kidding! The comments section quickly filled with mocking remarks by the usual smartasses:

“Maybe he’s a swinger?”

“His slide into deviancy was costly.”

“I wonder if having to go through the justice system merry-go-round turned him on.”

Imagine this poor dude’s life. He goes through his days having sex with playground equipment as frequently as possible. When he can’t actually “simulate a sex act with a slide” I’m guessing that he fantasizes about having sex with sides.

Is it just slides? Does his fetish also include climbing walls? Monkey bars?

How does a fetish like this even get started? He got seduced by a deviant see-saw as a kid? A lascivious swing set came on to him?

Curious, I consulted with a psychoanalyst of my acquaintance, who said, “Please keep me out of this.”

Is playground perversion actually a thing? If I Google research “sex with slides” will I turn up playground equipment fetish support groups? Meet-up gatherings made up of playground pervs who hit the park together under cover of darkness to make whoopee with the monkey bars? People seeking partners with a similar fetish? (“It’s your turn to dress up as the climbing toy!”)

What’s the takeaway here? Well if you’re the mother of small children, it’s just one more thing to worry about when you take the kiddos to the playground. Beyond that, it’s a reminder to all of us, once again, that you can’t begin to imagine what people are capable of.

Which is to say that if you can imagine it, there’s somebody out there who wants to fuck it.

Is there porn for people who get turned on by playground equipment? And if so, what does it look like? On second thought, I don’t want to go there. But if you’re braver than I am, reader, feel free to check it out and tell me all about it in the comments section.


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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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