[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
California drought, paired with discovery of water on Mars, forces NASA reappraisal.
The day after NASA announced they had found water on Mars, the agency revised its list of places in the universe with the least amount of water. California, along with the Sahara desert in North Africa, are now above Mars on the list.
“A year ago, we reported that California’s aquifer was almost depleted. Today, it is, and we can find no running water anywhere in the state. It’s officially drier than Mars,” said NASA spokesman Dwayne Brown. “The only water we found was imported for sale in plastic bottles.”
Republican candidate for president, Dr. Ben Carson, piped in, although nobody asked him for his opinion: “I’m a smart guy — a doctor, you know. And I think the scientific reason for the lack of water in California is all the gays. And the Democrats. And science stuff.”
Not to be outdone, former Celebrity Apprentice host and bad wig model Donald Trump said, “I’ll build a canal, a huuuuge canal, a beautiful canal with gold trim, from Canada to California, they’ll have all the water they want. And Canada will pay for it.”
Democratic candidates for president, realizing they were being outflanked on the issue, held their own press conferences.
Bernie Sanders said, “It’s a shame, a real shame. The billionaire class has all the water they could possibly want. But where is the water for the middle class, particularly in California? I’ll put a water tax on the rich, they will have to send every man, woman and child in California a bottle of filtered water, every day, delivered by their limousines — let’s put those hedonistic symbols of decadence to good use.”
“Also, we call on eastern states to stop talking about all the rain they’re getting — it amounts to water torture for Californians! And I am anti-torture, as you know,” he added.
Hillary Clinton put in her two cents as well. “Republicans in Congress have blocked every effort to quench the thirst of hard working Americans in California. I’ll put together a focus group and do some polling, then I’ll know what to say further on this.”
Experts on the drought say it could get much worse. “For now, we recommend watering crops by a method we call ‘P-Diddy Irrigation’ — pee on your crops as you diddle about.”
There is some good news coming out on the subject, however. It seems that after years of drought in the west, the Pacific garbage patch is now a landfill.
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