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The GOP Bowl

Oct 082015
 By , October 8, 2015

The playoffs continue, with the GOP on Fox…

“New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady threw his support behind GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump … [and] says he thinks his golf partner can win …” — AP 9/16/15

GOP patriots trump

Kenny: Good evening. I’m Kenny Albert, here with Gus Johnson. As most viewers know, after the long, punishing, second Republican debate, the GOP decided to winnow the field …on a field. To be precise, a football field. So tonight’s contest is a genuine football game among the GOP candidates, with professional announcers, rather than journalists, moderating.

The teams were selected based on recent polls, athletic skill and whoever Fox thinks will generate high ratings. The candidates themselves chose their team home base and theme, as well as their captains and positions. Gus?

Gus: Thanks, Kenny. As we just saw, Governor Kasich of Ohio won the coin toss and chose his Cincinnati Benghazis, led by their Quarterback Donald Trump, to receive. That means that Governor Bush and his Tampa Bay Obamacares, QB’d by Carly Fiorina, will kickoff.

And here comes Governor Mike Huckabee to kick. … He’s lumbering towards the ball… He’s swinging his foot … He’s … oops, flat on his back … but the ball is in the air. … Yes, a beautiful 12-yard punt from the Huckster. … Bobby Jindal manages to fall on it for the Benghazis, who prepare to line up on the Obamacares’ 47 yard line.

Kenny: Hold on, Gus! In a move that has the Obamacares’ defense screaming, QB Trump is building a wall on the line of scrimmage to keep the Obamacares out. And, my goodness, in a move only Trump would dare, he is insisting the Obamacares pay for it. What a move.

Gus: Yes, another Donald trump. (Smiles at camera) … Here come the Benghazis out of the huddle. … Trump is in the pocket –

Kenny: – but NOT of any special interests, Gus.

Gus: Good point, Kenny… Now the snap, from Center George Pataki. … It veers a little to the left; but Trump pulls it in, looks right, looks right again – always checking the base – then gazes up-field where wide receiver Ted Cruz cruises up the sideline … passes the Obamacares’ defense … and makes a beautiful catch. Wow, Kenny, he sure left Cornerback Marco Rubio in the dust and absolutely took the top off the defense and Safety Rand Paul.

Kenny: While he was taking the top off Paul, he might have combed his hair, too. Right, Gus? (smiles at camera)

Gus: Ha-ha, good one, Kenny. But something seems to be happening on the sidelines. Let’s go to Amy Gutierrez, who is down on the field. Amy?

Amy: Thanks, Kenny. I’m here watching Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina trash talking – which we often call “Trump talking” – at each other. Let’s overhear.

Trump: Fiorina, you’re fired.

Fiorina: You can’t fire me; I’m not even on your team.

Trump: Doesn’t matter. YOU’RE FIRED!

Fiorina: What, you try to ax one person? Big deal. When I was CEO of Hewlett-Packard – and, by the way, my very close, very personal friend, Steve Joobs, once told me –

Amy (interrupting): Steve Jobs?

Fiorina: Oh, right, Jobs. As my close friend Steve Jobs once told me: “Carla” – he liked to call me Carla – “Carla, do nothing for 6 months.” That was after I laid off 30,000 people. THIRTY THOUSAND, Donald. You fire one, I can thousands. Who’s the real chief executive now?!

Trump: Though I NEVER EVER DECLARED BANKRUPTCY, four of my companies did declare bankruptcy, using my mouth, costing tens of thousands of jobs – not Joobs, Carly, JOBS – not to mention the dozens I fired personally on The Apprentice. So stop bragging. You’re a beautiful woman, but my balls are much bigger than yours. And I’m not talking footballs.

Fiorina (staring into camera): You women all over the country heard very clearly what Mr. Trump said. (She walks off)

Amy: Boom! Trump and his Benghazis have their hands full. Back to you, Kenny.

Kenny: Thanks, Amy. Let’s return to the line of scrimmage, where Governor Chris Christie is lining up as Center. That probably means the Benghazis will try the Turnpike Underpass play.

Gus: Tell our viewers what that means, Kenny.

Kenny: Sure. The Turnpike Underpass is basically a play action fake with a shuffle pass to the right, where the offensive line forms a barrier that let’s only one player through at a time.

Generally, if the defense doubles down no one gets through and the Benghazis will lose yardage.

Gus: Wait. Why would anyone run a play that usually hurts his own team?

Kenny: Remember, Gus, Governor Christie’s teammates have all attacked him one time or another, and he isn’t a forgiver.

Gus: Ah-hah. So the play is designed to punish his own team?

Kenny: Precisely. … and look, it worked as planned… While the Benghazis line up for third and 17, let’s take you back to the field, where Amy is speaking with Running Back and Neurosurgeon Ben Carson.

Amy: Thank you, Gus. I’ve just asked Back-Surgeon Ben Carson how he feels about this GOP contest. Doctor?

Carson: As I’ve said many times, Amy, I’m not a politician, and I don’t want to be a politician, because politicians do what’s expedient, and I want to do what’s right.

Amy: Yes, we’ve heard you say that.

Carson: True, but I wanted to add that I’m also not a football player, and I don’t want to be a football player.

Amy: Because football players also do what’s expedient?

Carson: No, because they get knocked on their ass a lot, and I don’t like getting knocked on my ass a lot.

Amy: Thank you, Doctor. Back to you, Gus.

Gus: While we were staying with Amy’s on-field interview, several things happened in the actual game. Donald Trump was sacked, suffered a concussion, fumbled the ball, lost possession, and fired the entire front lines of both teams. With an “In your FACE, Fiorina,” he was carted off the field. So the Obamacares have the ball on the Benghazi’s 43 yard line, and it looks like QB Fiorina is going with the No Fact-Check Offense. Let’s turn up the on-field microphones to see what she’s saying in the huddle.

Fiorina: We’re going to knock Obamacare on its ass, boys. And while we’re at it, let’s defund Planned Parenthood. Have you seen those tapes? Watch a fully formed Rick Perry on the table, his heart beating, his legs kicking, while Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton say we have to keep him alive to harvest his brain – Rick Perry’s brain! This election is about the character of our nation, and the quality of the brains it relies on, and if we will not stand up and force President Obama to leave Rick Perry’s brains alone, shame on us!”

Gus: What a great speech! The Obamacares seem fired up as they line up at scrimmage … The ball is hiked … Fiorina drops back and… wow, she called a Statue of Liberty play! Didn’t see that coming, Kenny… but not entirely out of place either. … Oh, here comes the pain, as out of the blue, Senator Lindsay Graham flies through the air and tackles Fiorina to the ground. Wow, talk about “taking down the Statue of Liberty.” What a play!

Kenny: Yes, but look: Fiorina is back up and … oh, no … she’s firing all the backs, ends and receivers on both teams… Clearly, we have no choice but to declare the game over and Fiorina and her Obamacares the winners.

Gus: Uh, Kenny, this is a football game. The winner is determined by the score, which right now is 0-0.

Kenny: Sorry, Gus, but that’s not how politics works. The public needs to know who won and we pundits tell them, at least until polls insist otherwise.

So, to you people in the stands and folks watching from home, we’re happy to declare Jeb Bush’s Tampa Bay Obamacares, whose offense was led for a solid two minutes by Quarterback Carly Fiorina, as the winner of tonight’s GOP contest.

(Trump’s voice in background: “Fiorina THE WINNER? With that face?”)

Please tune in next week, for contest #4, which – if tonight hasn’t weeded out any contenders – will be a paint ball competition.

(Trump’s voice, fading: “Ninety percent of you three talking heads are morons. Fox has never treated me fairly!)

See you next time, here on Fox Sports!

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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.

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