[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Famed lawgiver called ‘a yuuuge loser who didn’t have a clue how to negotiate’ by Trump
NYC — Donald Trump says that his famous inability to cite a single Bible verse forced him recently “to take just one more look inside my favorite book, of course only to refresh my memory about some of the details.”
He was amazed at what he rediscovered. During a press conference Tuesday the mop-haired mogul noted in an uncharacteristically hushed voice: “Did you know that God started out as property developer, just like me? You won’t believe this, but I always felt a deep kinship with Him.”
Mr Trump went on: “Also didja know He made the earth in only six days? That’s almost miraculous! Let me tell you, the Trump Organization has a cubicle for Mr Jehovah any time he wants.”
Another thing that re-struck him, Mr Trump said, was what a “yuuuge, sorry loser” Moses was, and how weak and incompetent he proved in his negotiations with pharaoh.
“I’m sorry to say it, but President Moses wasn’t very smart. Apparently, he was pharaoh’s adopted grandson, so at least he shoulda tried being nice to the old boy. Instead he threatens him.
“Frankly, he couldn’t negotiate his way out of a reed basket floating down the Nile, even after pharoah’s daughter adopted him, or so she said.”
Mr Trump went on to emphasize that “the art of the deal does not normally include threatening the other side, especially not with plagues and famines. A couple of strategic nuclear missiles, maybe, but we can talk about Iran later.”
He continued: “In Moses’ case, it just hardened pharaoh’s heart, so that even after he let the people go he reneged on the deal and came after them. I call that a failed negotiation.”
Mr Trump observed that if he’d been the Israelite president, he would have worked for and secured a much better deal.
“You hafta ask yourself, what does the other side want? Then give them as little as you can while making it look like they’re getting it all and you’re taking a beating. Read The Art of the Deal, it’s actually more useful than what that clown Moses wrote.”
He added: “A good example are my empty, bombastic promises to the American electorate. They think they’re gonna get something but really it’s all just political methane gas.”
Mr Trump said that instead of boils and locusts, he would have offered pharaoh “a nice little property deal, which is what everybody wants, no?
“I’d have told him, ‘Listen, Rameses, you need some big pyramids built in Giza, but you don’t have the labor. That’s why you won’t let my people go, amirite?”
He laughed. “Well relax, King Tut, you obviously never heard of foreign guest workers. We’ll still do it for you and even get the Sumerians to pay for it. A hundred thousand men over 20 years? No problem.
“I’ll even throw in a sphinx. You’ll be able to build a whole tourist industry around it, believe me.”
Mr Trump closed out the press conference by noting that he was also studying the “instructive” story of David and Goliath.
“The big guy should’ve just held up his shield,” he said. “That’s what the bankruptcy laws are for. And then afterwards he squashes that little punk Rubio with his fat, hairy financial thumbs. Because that’s what fat, hairy thumbs are for, amirite?”
He sighed. “God, I love the Bible.”
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