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We’re Celebrating Our Divorce! And You’re Invited!

Nov 082011
 
 By , November 8, 2011
We're Celebrating Our Divorce! And You're Invited!

According to a recent New York Times article “divorce ceremonies” in which couples get together one last time to commemorate the demise of their marriage are big in Japan. So it’s only a matter of time before you open your mail and find:

Come celebrate our divorce! We’re asking friends and family to gather to bid farewell to us as a long-married couple and say hello to our new roles of Smug Hubby with a Brand New Trophy Fiance and Bitter, Struggling Single Mom!

It’ll be a blast!

First, we’ll divide up all our friends. You’ll have to choose between Team Suzi and Team Bill. Once made this choice is final — no second thoughts and no going back!

While Suzi and her team throw darts and scream insults at a life-size photo of Bill’s lovely new soon-to-be Trophy Wife (she’s a younger, more compliant version of Suzi), Bill will climb into the ring and go ten rounds with a party clown wearing a face mask made from a recent photo of Suzi’s therapist.

Next, Suzi will read a list of the many gripes and complaints she’s accumulated over the course of the marriage. (If she’s left anything out, members of Team Suzi will remind her!) Then she’ll burn that stupid Eagles shirt Bill got her for Valentine’s Day. Bill will follow with his own litany of grievances. Once the marriage’s dirty laundry has been thoroughly aired, Teams Suzi and Bill will face each other and spend ten minutes shouting F***K YOU!

Then the Healing Begins! Bill and his team will come up with a list of Ten Wonderful Things About Suzi — the qualities that first made him want to spend the rest of his life with her. To help Suzi start down the path of finding Bill’s replacement, Teams Bill and Suzi will use this list to draft Suzi’s Match.com profile. Once completed, the profile will be posted.

After a rousing game of Pin The Alimony Decree On The Ex, refreshments will be served —

For Team Bill — the best champagne!

For Team Suzi — cheap beer to cry into!

Next, we’ll publicly disavow each one of our wedding vows, accompanied by snarky commentary from our teams. Then it’s time for the ceremonial ripping up of our marriage contract.

Finally — the solemn casting of our wedding rings into the toilet!

The toilet will be flushed by our respective divorce attorneys, unless our respective mothers-in-law would prefer to do the honors.

We hope you can make it. It just wouldn’t be the same horrible, painful and acrimonious break-up without you!

(In lieu of gifts, we ask that our guests bring cash donations to help pay for our children’s therapy.)

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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  • Kate

    What a great essay.

  • irene

    Funny!