[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Why go to Africa to kill lions? We’re running out of execution drugs, let them hunt death row inmates here!’ says judge
MOBILE, AL – County Judge Arabella Squatpump has a unique solution to the problem of increasingly unavailable execution drugs – allow sports hunters like dentist Walter Palmer, killer of Cecil the Lion, to gun down condemned death row convicts in special “execution zones.”
“Damn execution drugs just ain’t available no more,” Judge Squatpump explained in an interview. “So the other day I thought, hail, you can’t beat them to death with a bat, or just shoot ’em in the head, blam! right there, in front of all them witnesses and reporters. Hail, them damn liberals would be all over us like the blood on George Bush’s hands.”
The judged picked up a copy of Hunting Magazine featuring a cover photograph of Walter Palmer and his dead lion.
“And then it came to me,” she said. “Why in the hail go all the way to Africa to kill some lions and elephants and maybe a giraffe or two when you can have even more fun and perform a public service too by hunting down the most dangerous animal of all – man?”
She pointed to the window. “We could set it up for them, right here, in Alabama. We got lots of guys on death row, and are negotiating some from some other states. Not Texas, though, they like to kill their own, especially if they have low IQs.”
The judge said that there would be “absolutely no danger” for the hunters, since they would be issued with state-certified AR-15s and ride in armored trucks. Paramilitary guards would provide extra security, “so it will be as easy and safe as an African safari. And just like Zimbabwe, the prey won’t be armed, and additionally will be confined in a fenced area we call ‘execution zones’.”
She went on: “It would be really quite humane, and certainly less cruel and unusual than poisoning a man on an operating table and watching him burn to death from the inside for nearly an hour. In America there’s nothing cruel or at least unusual about being gunned down by a total stranger.”
The judge smiled. “I’m a mom, you know, so we’re even thinking of a children’s program, run by Burgers ‘n Bullets. I mean, American kids gotta learn how to kill, right? One of these days someone’s gonna take a shot at their school or when they’re at the movies. I give the new Star Wars a week.”
“So one way or another, we figure this new death row program will generate a tremendous revenue stream, what with family picnics, spectators, and TV rights.”
Responding to a question, the judge said: “Yes, naturally, we’ll be charging the hunters for the privilege. I heard some of them guys paid up to $50,000 for their trophies in Africa. We’ll do them a much better deal, around five grand, and provide some real dangerous gorillas and a much more enjoyable hunting experience.”
She added: “By the way, we’re also offering an optional photo and taxidermy package for only $350 more. Them stuffed heads are gonna look great on people’s walls.”
Judge Squatpump noted that the death row program already had the enthusiastic support of the NRA, whose president, Wayne La Pierre, had volunteered to carry out the first “Killings for Jesus,” as the program was named. Dick Cheney would be next, and had promised to aim low so as not to disfigure the trophy heads.
“Bottom line is, the murderers and marijuana smokers will get executed in a fun and cost-effective way,” Judge Squatpump smiled. “And best of all, we won’t have to hassle about getting execution drugs no more.”
“You could say,” she added, “that we’re killing two birds with one stone.”
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