[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“We earned the political capital, and we intend to spend it,” he says
A Humor Times Special Report
CHICAGO, IL – “With our dramatic victory in the polls on election day, we believe we have a mandate for a complete transition to a communist-socialist system, which we will begin planning for immediately,” said Barack Obama in a controversial speech today. “Obviously, John McCain and Sarah Palin made it very obvious to the voters what I’m all about, and the voters chose change – so change is what they will get,” he roared, to a somewhat dumbfounded audience of Democratic supporters.
According to a central member of Obama’s transition team, John Podesta, “The plan will not disappoint the majority, who, of course, voted for socialism. One of our first steps will be to take an inventory of everyone’s property, so that we may decide who gets what.” Details of the plan, leaked yesterday, indicate that furniture, TVs (including HD widescreen sets), valuables such as jewelry and paintings, cars and even houses will be redistributed “each according to his need.”
The plan also stipulates that people may be assigned new jobs, “according to his or her ability.” “This could mean many bankers and Wall Street types will be reassigned to garbage collection and demolition jobs, as they have proven that they are good at trashing things,” explained Podesta. Other reassignments include: putting Karl Rove on slime detail, helping plumbers with backed-up sewers; sending George W. Bush to the front lines in Iraq to fight the war he loves; and giving Rush Limbaugh a full-time job filling hot air balloons, which will double as a carbon-reduction scheme, since he will replace propane heaters that currently do the job.
In the most controversial tenet of the plan as leaked, salaries would be flattened, with the higher income bracket giving over as much as 80% of its income to the poor, who will see their incomes rise up to 300%. “It’s a new day,” proclaimed Obama in his speech, “and the end of poverty. I ask the rich to please be patriotic and cooperate – you’ve had your time, now it’s everyone’s time.”
Also included in the proposal is the diversion of $3 trillion of the country’s wealthiest corporations’ profits to paying down the national debt, a provision that has been declared “blasphemous” by Republicans. “This will put us on the road to recovery, as the debt has grown to an astronomical $10 trillion under this Republican administration,” said Podesta, adding, “with a strengthened economy and the redistribution if corporate wealth, we should have it paid off within Obama’s first term.”
Republican House Minority Whip Roy Blunt, in his party’s response to the news, declared, “Well, we tried to warn you. I’ll bet you want us back now, don’t you? With our strictly laissez-faire capitalist methods, everyone but the top 1% was on their way to becoming beggars on the street – but at least we couldn’t be called ‘socialists!’”
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