[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
For those who must work on the real Thanksgiving
In response to the overwhelming growth of “Black Friday” and its exploitation of the employees who must work in the service industry labor unions, families, certain compassionate government leaders and religious figures have petitioned and won government approval for a “pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving” to make up for the real Thanksgiving that is now almost a non-existent entity.
Too many are having to work on what used to be an almost sacred holiday, due to the seasonal avarice of companies such as Walmart, McDonald’s, Target, Home Depot, Best Buy and others — who see Christmas only as a platform for making great profits, due to peoples sentimentalities and the fact that they don’t mind killing off another quieter holiday to get their way.
“Gratitude,” the name for the new holiday, will be just like Thanksgiving food-wise, quiet-wise, family oriented-wise and religious-wise, but employers will be required by law to actually give people that day off. Once again, people will be able to stay at home and feel what it is like to be human, instead of a rat on a never-ending economic treadmill. Televised football will also be banned on that day, along with all other sports.
The bill presented by the government was immediately labeled “socialist” by many of the darlings of the Republican Party. Some even went so far as to say that Obama was trying to create an Islamic holiday out of it, but the new holiday creators say those same accusers are “so far out in their minds that they would think that Mr. Spock from Star Trek is an illegal alien without a work visa.”
According to the Gratitude promoters, these types are already working on a counter measure that would not only eliminate Gratitude as a holiday, but would also get rid of Thanksgiving altogether, too due to it not being as much of a revenue stimulater as Halloween and Christmas. “They are well aware that Thanksgiving only makes money only for turkey salesmen and cranberry growers,” said a spokesman.
Already chain corporations, fast foods franchisees and business owners are working on ways to circumvent, exploit and make money off of the new holiday. Rumor has it as well that the NFL is outraged that the public would even dare to think of having a day with no televised football. They are petitioning Congress to claim the new holiday unpatriotic and communist, even though the NFL has not paid a cent in federal taxes since they were formed.
“Gratitude?” says the big boys behind Black Friday. “Why do the little people need a holiday just to express gratitude? We certainly don’t need one! We never show any!”
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