[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The Constitution ‘simply represents an ideal’ that Americans should strive for, says the man under the floppy hairpiece.
NEW YORK – Mussolini look- and act-alike Donald Trump said today that the American people should “consider suspending our Constitution, temporarily of course,” until what he called the “ISIS crisis” has been resolved and everyone is safe again.
‘Look, we all agree the Constitution is a holy document,” Trump said at a news conference Tuesday. “It’s like the Bible, inspired by Jesus, we’ve all seen the pictures, and it deserves to be worshiped in the same way.”
He went on: “We’re going to have to do things that we never did before. And some people are going to be upset about it, but I think that now everybody is feeling that security is going to rule.
“And certain things will be done that we never thought would happen in this country in terms of information and learning about the enemy. And so we’re going to have to do certain things that were frankly unthinkable a year ago.”*
The next president of the United States continued: “After working harder for their non-minimum wages, Americans need to dedicate themselves on Sundays to achieving our divinely ordained Constitutional goals of peace, justice and prosperity for all.
“That doesn’t mean we won’t have difficulty living up to those ideals on the other six days. We’re all political sinners!”
For example, Trump noted, voting. Free elections were “a worthy civic goal,” but not attainable right now. As things stand, it is still possible that someone other than he could be elected in 2016.
“However, Kissinger said that a country shouldn’t be allowed to go Communist because of the irresponsibility of its people. I say the same thing about the US, except it’s a matter of Mexican immigrants and Islamic terrorists. We must suspend the Constitution in order to save it.”
Trump added that the idea of allowing newspapers and TV to say whatever they want, no matter how differently the President sees things, should also be dumped into the trash can of history.
“We cannot permit that kind of negligent irresponsibility in such perilous times,” he said, “although a totally free press is a hope we can perhaps return to some day, maybe at the same time as the Rapture or Jesus’s Second Coming.”
He added: “Likewise immigrant Syrian terrorists with bombs should not be allowed to demonstrate in our peaceful streets. We don’t have time to be so politically correct. Those guys deserve to be roughed up a little, amirite?”
Trump noted that since the Constitution and the Holy Bible were inspired by the same “almighty God,” the idea of church and state separation should also be revisited.
“We all try to live by the Bible and the Holy Constitution every day,” he said. “Those who don’t, such as the PC liberals and their Islamic terroristic friends, need to be rounded up, put into a database, required to wear identifying badges and humanely water-boarded until they are deported. A cheese-green crescent moon sounds tasteful.”
Trump concluded by noting that when he’s president the original founding documents in DC will be rehoused in a new and “more appropriate” structure, with an area large enough for thousands of visitors at a time.
“I imagine it as a kind of Trump Tower II, real classy, with a Perspex box containing our country’s holy relics in one corner, so people can see them and maybe touch the outside. They could walk around it and take turns.”
Trump held his arms open. “Lord,” he shouted, “we await the Second Coming of Thy Holy Constitution some time in the future! But until then, slavery is freedom, peace is war and knowledge is what the government tells you!”
He then wrapped himself in the flag and was respectfully interviewed on Fox by a groveling panel comprised of Sean Hannity, Megyn Kelly and Chuck Todd (for balance).
* Actual quote!
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
- Thousands of U.S. Citizens Swamp ICE, Demand Deportation - February 19, 2017
- Andy Borowitz Arrested in Satire Raid - February 11, 2017
- Kellyanne Conway: ‘Alternative Words’ in Bill of Rights Allow Trump ‘Lots of Latitude’ - January 24, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!