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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Ben Carson: Area 51 Stores My Original Brain, Sasquatches

Nov 252015
 By , November 25, 2015

Ben Carson also doubled-down on his statement about the pyramids in Egypt being for grain storage.

WASHINGTON — Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the real purpose of Area 51 was to house his original brain, and a colony of Sasquatches. Carson’s statement followed his declaration earlier in the week he still believed the true purpose of the pyramids in Egypt was to store grain.

area 51, Ben Carson“Everyone thinks Area 51 is the place where extraterrestrials live or fly or something, but that is not true. The real reason Area 51 exists is to house Sasquatches. Millions and millions of Sasquatches,” said Carson, who gave the press a vacant stare.

Carson added, “Oh, and the original brain God gave me is there, too. The Area 51 Sasquatches switched my original brain with a brain from one of the Sasquatches, and that’s where my brain has been ever since.”

“I was already a neurosurgeon by that time, but I did become a Republican shortly afterward. And now I am running for president,” explained Carson.

An awkward silence washed over the room before Carson stated, “Okay, I am all done talking to all the nice people now.”

A Carson 2016 staffer quickly emerged, took the doctor by the hand, and led him off of the stage.

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Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.

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