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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Trump Rises in Polls after Throwing Kitten Off 58th Floor of Trump Tower

Nov 302015
 By , November 30, 2015

Supporters say Trump’s outrageous stunts prove he’s ready for ‘prime time.’

Trump Tower kittenNEW YORK CITY, NY — Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump threw a kitten off of the 58th floor of Trump Tower in New York this morning. The Republican leading candidate for president claimed he did it to show everyone he was unstoppable, and polls taken immediately following the incident showed him surging even further ahead of his Republican opponents.

“Everyone who isn’t an idiot knows that I will win the Republican nomination and the general election to be the next president. I threw my new kitten Mr. Fiddlesticks off of Trump Tower to prove that even animal cruelty cannot stop me,” stated Trump.

He added, “I don’t even know why we are going to have primaries or wait until November 2016. I’m ready to be president right now, and I’ll even pay for a one-way airline ticket so Obama can go back to Kenya.”

Approximately 30% of likely Republican primary voters stated they supported Trump after the kitten throwing incident, which was an increase of nearly eight percentage points.

Trump closed the press conference by stating, “Although I haven’t seen him since gravity took him away, I bet Mr. Fiddlesticks probably landed on his feet and is fine.”

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Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.

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