We here at Conspiracy Theories bring you the hard-hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum.
Conspiracy Theories is here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.
The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:
Conspiracy theory #846: Certain religious interests have sabotaged a vital industry that is as close to us as our skins — the condom manufacturers.
Uniting under a belief that any sort of sexual union is for the purpose of producing babies only, these fanatics have infiltrated condom factories throughout the world with the intent of degrading their product. In subtle ways unnoticed by the managers, these zealots poke holes, rip out tips and put gashes into the rubber ‘volcano-pluggers’ thus ruining their intent — to make sex safe not only from diseases but from the bearing of children.
The theory behind this vigilante action is that sex is for making babies and no other purpose thereby anything that attempts to stop or inhibit it is immoral and against God, forgetting of course that God is supposedly the only who has ever conceived a sexless baby (i.e. Jesus).
While at first this was the work of mostly Catholic groups, the attackers are now also comprised of Lutherans, Mormons, the Moonies and the last two Shakers left alive. Detectives have been able to catch one group in the act on surveillance tape when they started singing the ‘Every Sperm Is Precious’ song from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life movie while committing their nefarious plan.
Conspiracy Theory #895: A couple of Asiatic nations hostile to the USA have been intentionally creating a menace to our very health, safety and sanity. It has been recently uncovered that some mosquito net fabricators have been purposefully leaving large holes in the nets that they send to the US.
This allows the evil little flying nuisances to — despite having a brain no bigger than the point of a needle — find a way to get in the net and inflict the damage the net is supposed to prevent. The psychological anguish this creates for Americans camping out, enjoying their back yards or just trying to sleep under the net and being buzzed incessantly for hours on end is horrendous. Work performance is harmed, stress is created in the household and a general reduction in efficiency is encountered by the victims. Those bitten then must endure the agony of bites that itch one into the realm of insanity.
A further development by these same hostile nations is the removal of the main repellent ingredient in bug spray that makes them effective. Taking this barbarity a step further they substitute a mosquito ATTRACTING (!!!) substance into the spray. Than means that as soon as the unsuspecting individual sprays on his supposedly skin saving concoction that instead of repelling the viewers it actually draws in their worst nightmare. This is an insidious invention of the most diabolical sort!
Conspiracy Theory #946: A most horrendous assault upon the outdoorsy American public has been uncovered (or, perhaps more accurately, been covered up). Baseball caps produced in massive amounts for fans of certain popular teams have been found to have a specific shrinking agent embedded in them during manufacture. This insidious ingredient will, once worn and affected by the sure to come rain that invariably visits baseball games and the sweating of the wearer, will become wet and shrink, thus causing discomfort and a shrinkage of the thinking capacity of the wearer. The ever tightening head piece will eventually cause corresponding limitation to the individuals thinking ability and to his/her intellect.
Studies undertaken by several major universities have been made to find out the intellectual change in individuals who habitually wear this popular form of headpiece and how much it has diminished their IQ level. It must be taken into account, however, that some of the researchers themselves where wearing such a headpiece while studying the study. Also, please remember; these are sports fans we are talking about, those same people who will throw away the news page, the entertainment page and the business page, but will read voraciously the sports and comics page.
Dear Readers: Let us be ever resolute in our watching out for dangers that other, more despicable lands and people will foster upon we poor, innocent Americans. They hate us just for being poor, innocent Americans. Be vigilant! Thank you.
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