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Grumpy Santa Vows No Xmas Gifts for Climate Deniers This Year

Dec 082015
 
 By , December 8, 2015

Basement flooded, elves refusing to work under water, Mrs Claus leaving – normally jolly Santa is pissed.

NORTH POLE – A visibly grumpy Santa Claus announced today that he would “absolutely not” be making gift deliveries to GOP “climate deniers” this year.

Grumpy Santa“You think because that idiot Inhoffe can make a snowball in winter we’re not drowning up here?” he said. “What, he hasn’t seen the polar bear pictures?”

Santa laughed bitterly. “And I hear he’s chair of your Environment and Public Works committee. These lunatics must be stopped!”

The not-so-jolly old elf pulled an official USGS thermometer from under his beard.

“See that?” he said, waving it. “The difference between freezing and thawing is just one muthaffukin degree. Excuse me, that’s Inuit for ‘a small amount.’ Thirty-two it freezes, thirty-three it melts. These days we’re getting up to a fathafukkin 57 in the summer.”

Santa said that one result was that the basement in his home under the north pole, where the elves labored, was now flooded almost the whole year round.

“The poor little green buggers,” he said feelingly, “now have to work outside in the semi-snow in the winter, and almost tropical temperatures in the summer. Hungry polar bears come sniffing around and last week,” Santa’s eyes moistened, “Rudolf lost his shiny red nose to a marauding sea lion.”

Santa said that things had gotten so bad Mrs Claus was threatening to leave. “She says unless I do something about the water situation, well, she’s had a very tempting offer from Wotan in Valhalla. That’s where we originally came from, you know.”

After a “war council” with the elves and a couple of the leading reindeer, Santa continued, the Xmas community had decided to cut all climate deniers from their gift list.

“Yeah, we know who’s been naughty,” he continued menacingly. “There are advantages to being a godlet, even an imaginary one.”

The once kindly old semi-deity polished his glasses on his sleeve.

“First non-gift,” he growled, “is that not one of those koksukers — Inuit for ignorant, money-grubbing narcissist — is gonna actually get to be president. I guarantee you that, though I wanna see them all run for a bit. What a laugh, especially that Canadian idiot who wants to carpet bomb the middle east. What, Israel too?”

For a moment Santa almost looked like his old roly-poly self. Then he frowned again.

“But my second non-gift will be even better!” he said. “After Trump gets his ass whupped in 2016, I’m gonna give those CDers — Climate Deniers — President Bernie Sanders!

“Plus 100% gun control, free abortions at government-funded Planned Parenthood clinics, industry regulations limiting carbon emissions, a jobs program focused on infrastructure repair, and a foreign policy whose objectives are peace and not war!”

He laughed evilly again. “And Elizabeth Warren as Vice President!”

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Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

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