[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Reince Priebus and RNC rush to support ‘exciting new presidential candidate’ and recently jailed Martin Shkreli
WASHINGTON DC – Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus announced Friday that after an “emergency meeting” the RNC was endorsing accused felon Martin Shkreli for president.
On Thursday Mr Shkreli won the immediate support of the 30% of Republican voters who think the US should bomb Agrabah, the fictional city in the movie Aladdin.
“I would certainly bomb the hell out of it,” Shkreli enthusiastically promised, “and make Disney pay for it too.”
At a late afternoon press conference the RNC chair said, “We don’t mind about the charges against Marty. This is America. Politicians are always getting falsely accused. He’s got a good lawyer, he’ll get off. But he also has face and name recognition now, and the kind of business resumé Republicans readily embrace.”
Priebus added that Shkreli’s “foreign policy instincts are right on target.”
Martin Shkreli is a small-time business crook charged with illegally ripping off one of his companies to pay the debts of another. He previously resigned as president of Turing Pharmaceuticals after scandalously raising the cost of a life-saving drug 5,500 percent. Later he purchased for $2 million the only copy of pop group Wu-Tang Clan’s classic album Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, vowing to let no else hear it.
Priebus continued: “See, he’s a true Republican! What we like even more is that he has Donald’s flare for the common touch, but without his propensity to speak wildly.
“For example, recently Marty live-streamed himself on YouTube for nearly five hours, and very reasonably told viewers that he couldn’t talk about business or the allegations he faces, but that he was not hurt at all during his arrest and was not wearing an ankle tracker.
“That’s the kind of aggrieved, self-righteous tone tea partiers instantly recognize as their own. We hope Marty will offer regular voters a slightly less crazy version of Donald Trump.”
Because Shkreli lacks billionaire Trump’s personal resources, Priebus went on, “and is obviously consumed with ambition, lust and greed in the best American way,” he will be more easily controlled after the election by the GOP’s big financial backers like the Kochs and Sheldon Adelson.
“Dangle a couple of bucks in front of Marty and he’ll allow us to rape the environment, let the poor die on the streets, and bomb the hell outa whatever real city we say,” Priebus noted with satisfaction.
Mr Shkreli himself announced while under house arrest Thursday that he was setting up a Super PAC and had “already begun to appreciate the financial possibilities involved” in making a run for the presidency.
“People just give you money,” he said, his voice marveling. “And all you have to do is tell them what they want to hear and promise them the earth. It’s just like selling pharmaceuticals.
“In fact, it’s far better,” he said. “And could be even more addicting.”
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