[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Exclusive to the Humor Times
TEL AVIV – As you probably know, I, Joe the Plumber, decided to go to Israel to find out the Truth that the media will not say. This is big news, and I’m happy to report that the networks continue to report on my reporting, and that’s great, because they’re reporting some real news for once. It feels good to be in the news again, because I’m comfortable there, and that’s why I decided to get into this here so-called “news” so-called “business.”
Anyway, after a very long flight (who knew the Atlantic Ocean was so huge? Isn’t it the small one?), I landed in Tel Aviv, and immediately set to work to dig out the Truth. Well, first I got a room. Very nice, for such a backward country. And the people are darned nice too, but they don’t speak very good English. I don’t think a plumber could find much work around here either, I’m guessing they draw all their water from wells.
So, once I was settled in and took a much-needed nap, I decided to get a feel for the country. I walked around, and figured the best way to get to know a culture is by eating there. So, I dropped into a little place and they gave me something called a “falafel” and asked me if I wanted to hum “Us,” but I didn’t know the tune, so I just said, “give me some of that stuff you’re holding,” and it was this nice creamy, light-tan-colored stuff, which was yummy.
So, although I didn’t find any burgers and fries, I did manage to fuel up for the task at hand. And now, boy, am I excited to get at the Truth for my faithful American readers.
I decided to just approach people on the street, and ask them what they think. With a bunch of other reporters there, all pointing their cameras at me, it was a little hard to get any natives to talk into my microphone. But finally, I stop one, and he says “What are you doing, you crazy American?! You run up and stick something in my face? Don’t you know how dangerous it is around here?!!” Then he turned and walked off in a huff. Sheesh! Kinda sensitive around here, I guess. But I did learn one thing – they are apparently very edgy in Israel. I’ll have to be more careful.
So the next time, I manage to lose the crowd of reporters, and I sneak up on a couple of young women, so as not to scare them. But they must’ve seen a sniper behind me or something, the way they screamed and ran away. I turned around real quick, but the snipers were gone.
Finally, I’m sitting at this café place, having a beer (no Coors, but a surprisingly good brew), when a guy asks me if I’m American. I say, “and proud of it,” and he says, “That’s good. You Americans give us lots of money to defend ourselves, we like you.” So I said, “Can I ask you some questions? I’m a real reporter from America, and I’ve come to find the Truth.” So he says, “Yeah, sure.” “Ok,” I think, “now we’re getting somewhere.”
Ok, so I ask this guy, whose name is Shahed, “What’s really going on here, between Israel and the Gaza-ites? And what he said was real interesting, and I think it’s about time the American people heard it, because this guy really lives here, full time, and he should know.
“We just want to live in peace, but they’re always shooting missiles at us,” he said. “I don’t understand, because we gave them some rocky land and access to water if we don’t use it all, and everything. Sure, we’ve long blockaded Gaza’s ports and stopped cross-border shipment of needed supplies, creating a humanitarian crisis well before the current fighting began, but we have to protect ourselves.”
So there you have it. All sides of the story, reported dutifully directly to you, unfiltered. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for the liberal elitist media to do. Except for the one “fair and balanced” network, and they’re from the center. You never hear from the right, hardly. What’s up with that?
Anyway, this is Joe the Plumber, reporting from Israel. Hope to be home in civilization soon. God bless America and still-president Bush!
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