CAC banner ad
Humor Times subscribe

[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Michigan Gov. Snyder Bottling Flint River Water to Sell to Americans

Jan 212016
 By , January 21, 2016

Governor Rick Snyder launching Flint River Water Co.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder’s new bottled water company, Flint River Water, has the slogan “Good Enough for Flint, Good Enough for America.” Snyder boasts the quality chloride-fortified bottled water is a testament to him running government like a business and cutting costs at the expense of public health and safety.

Governor Rick SnyderFLINT, MI — Today, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder announced he was launching Flint River Water, a new bottled water company poised to sell water from the Flint River in Michigan to Americans across the nation. Snyder – a venture capitalist who tried to run government like a business – downplayed health and safety concerns about drinking water from the Flint River, and declared his company’s slogan was “Good Enough for Flint, Good Enough for America.”

“Flint River Water is a quality high chloride water that highlights what happens when a venture capitalist is elected governor and tries to run government like a business by cutting costs at the expense of public health and safety,” said Governor Snyder, who stood outside a brand new bottling plant that was siphoning water from the Flint River as he spoke.

Snyder continued, “Flint River Water is so fortified with chloride that the General Motor’s engine plant in Flint stopped using in October of 2014 due to how much it was damaging the machinery at the factory.”

“Flint River Water is 100% totally safe for human consumption, though. Just don’t run it through any lead pipes, because it is highly corrosive and may result in lead poisoning,” explained Snyder.

An unidentified reporter asked Snyder if he would donate bottles of Flint River Water to residents of Flint, who were unable to drink tap water due to its corrosive and poisonous nature.

“I sympathize with the people of Flint, because I knew all along they had been drinking poisonous water, but I am running a business here and not a charity,” replied Snyder.

The Food and Drug Administration approved Flint River Water to be sold to Americans last week due to budget cuts.

The following two tabs change content below.
Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.

Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on Subscribe via email!