[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“I am responsible for every sound bite Trump has given.” – Sarah Palin
“We’re gonna knock your socks off, America!” said Sarah Palin, as she signed napkins for customers at the Lock ‘N Load Dinner in Wasilla, Alaska.
“Are you nervous about how the press will respond to your endorsing Trump?” asked this reporter.
“Hell, no,” said Palin. “They’ll be crapping in their Dockers by the time I’m through with them. If they want access to Donald, they’ll have to go through me.” Palin lifted her jacket to reveal a 45 Glock automatic.
“You’re arming yourself against the media?” I asked, slowly backing away, both hands held high.
“I’m just exercising my Second Amendment rights, right fellas?” Palin said.
A cheer went up as diner patrons reached for their guns and fired off a celebratory round, shelling the ceiling and breaking several windows, while I took cover under a display of cream pies.
“Trump is the only candidate who understands what the People really want. They don’t want debates on issues. They want to be entertained and, by golly, I know how to put on a show,” said Palin, biting into a Mooseburger.
“Can you provide any details?” I asked.
“You watch The Bachelorette?” she asked.
“Um, not regularly.”
“Well, but you get the concept, right? One hot woman goes on dates with a dozen guys who all live in the same drop dead house. You never quite know which one is lighting up her switchboard. She keeps them all guessing. Getting into the hot tub with this one. Smooching with that one. All kinds of hanky-panky. Until the very end when she hands one guy a red rose.”
“Okay, but what does a reality TV show have to do with your endorsement of Trump?”
“Talk about the lame stream media! Do I have to paint you a picture?” she asked. “I just handed Trump the rose!”
“What makes you think the National Republican Committee will allow you turn the election into a reality TV show?”
Palin narrowed her eyes. “Which would you rather watch? A middle-aged woman in a pantsuit debating foreign policy with an old white men or me in a bathing suit throwing back mojitos with Trump at a luxury resort?”
“I am responsible for every sound bite Trump has given,” said Palin. “Mexican rapists? McCain’s war record? Ditching Obamacare? That’s all me,” said Palin. “As soon as an idea pops into my head, I Tweet Trump. Hey, I just got an idea for him right now.” She whipped out her cell phone and sent off a Tweet.
“May I see that?” asked this reporter.
“Sure. Consider this an exclusive,” she said, holding up her text message.
It read, “Accuse Bernie Sanders of being a Mosad agent.”
“That’s outrageous. Where are you getting your facts?”
“Facts are like Spanx, they stretch to fit your own personal truth,” said Palin. “Oh, that’s a good one. Excuse me. I’ve gotta Tweet that too.”
While Palin Tweeted, I asked a waitress her opinion of Palin’s role in Trump’s campaign.
“Sarah’s always had vision,” said the waitress. “You know, she can see the White House from here.”
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