[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
High school award ‘proudest moment until Beijing’ says Phelps
The recent revelation that Michael Phelps, winner of an Olympic record eight gold medals in last year’s games, was photographed smoking a bong in November has led to an investigation that revealed even more: Michael Phelps won the Gold Medal of his senior class’ unofficial Olympic Bonging competition in high school.
In fact, say his old classmates, Phelps was famous in Maryland’s Towson High School for going to school stoned every day. “He never went to college, and I think I know why. All he ever wanted to do was swim and get high,” said his former high school buddy, “Slammin’” Sam Forester.
“Yeah, we had what we called an ‘Olympic Bonging competition’ back in the day, and in his Senior year, Phelps blew the rest of the field away,” added Forester. “He inhaled 57 straight bong hits, a record that still stands to this day, and those were monster bong hits, no sissy little puffs. I guess his lung capacity has always been huge.”
Phelps even credits his high school partying days with helping him along with his chosen career. “I’m very sorry to have disappointed my fans,” said Mr. Phelps in a recent press conference, “but, truth be told, those competitions strengthened my lungs. They were tough! I mean, without that rigorous training, I doubt I ever would have won all those swimming medals.”
His high school swimming coach, Tom Ruxton, weighed in, saying, “Now I know where he got that appetite! Come to think of it, his voracious ‘munchies’ are what gave him the fuel to excel at swimming, so I suppose you could say Phelps’ pot habit may have been what propelled him to the top of the swimming world.”
After considering his own words for a moment, Ruxton added, “In that respect, I guess pot got him high in more ways than one.”
Phelps promised he would never do it again. He also promised he’ll never drink, utter profanities, have public sex in the park, rob banks, flash random people on Main Street, rob homeowners with subprime mortgage scams or offer Senate seats for sale, should he ever become governor.
Reported by Humor Times Green Correspondent, Jason Puffer.
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