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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Comcast to Offer Optional Porn With All Sporting Events

Mar 202009
 
 By , March 20, 2009
Pilot project termed ‘very successful’

The Comcast cable empire has launched a new program the company hopes will enhance their swollen profit margin: Optional porn with any sporting event.

A pilot project held in Phoenix, Arizona during the Super Bowl “proved very successful” said Comcast Vice-President of Operations Dan Dickendorf.

“We were very encouraged by the feedback from customers,” explained Dickendorf, “despite a few minor complaints. The cable company’s research, he said, shows that the sports demographic – “mostly men with high testosterone levels” – makes it the “perfect match for this type of value-added programming.”

Comcast says the new option will be available with all sports coverage nationwide within a few weeks, for “a small added fee.” The service will feature five-minute snippets of “tasteful porn” interspersed during each period of play, with an optional ten minutes “Busty Bonus” coverage during half time.

“We expect fully half of viewers to go for the half-time option,” said Dickendorf, “rather than listen to more boring-ass washed-up so-called ‘analysts.’”

“This exciting new feature will be available to customers in much the same way as our ‘On Demand’ is now, making it quite convenient. We hope our viewers find it as stimulating as we do,” said Dickendorf. “We’re stiffening our resolve to penetrate the market with the hottest sports action, doing our best to satisfy our customers.”

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