[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount
A Humor Times exclusive
Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources.
“Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.”
Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.”
Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.”
“What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.”
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”
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