[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Old one causing ‘buyer’s remorse,’ say CEOs
NEW YORK – CEO’s from the nation’s top banks and Wall Street financial firms confirmed rumors today that they plan to purchase a “brand new government” to replace the old one.
“We recognize that things just get old and break down after a while,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Gerald Corrigan, “and rather than continue to poor hundreds of millions into a bad product, we’re business savvy enough to know that we need to roll out a brand new model.”
The plan is to design a “low maintenance brand” that will streamline the process of creating laws that are “good for business and for persons – corporate persons, that is,” according to the new “Contract on America” the group has published, the title a play on the old 1994 Republican “Contract with America” promoted by Newt Gingrich.
“We know Americans are impatient with this Congress and this president,” Corrigan said, “and for good reason. The Democrat party can’t do anything, even with their big majority, always complaining about filibusters and such.” With the “shiny new, and very small” government, he said, there won’t be any need for “time-wasting congressmen” – CEO’s will just draft laws themselves and implement them, thereby “cutting out the middlemen.”
“We’ve been running former CEOs for all the top posts, like governors, etc,” he said, “but it’s a messy process that is taking too long. We need action now. Americans trust business, and they’ll be happy with the new arrangement – I guarantee it. We can back that up, enforcement-wise, with our new security teams, like Xe [Blackwater], which will replace the army and police.”
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