[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘The Donald’ will reprise his Apprentice role, ‘Promoting the best and firing the rest’
Donald Trump announced today that whether or not his floundering “Debate Spectacular” in late December happens, he plans on putting together “something huge, with all the candidates showing what they’re really made of,” in a new series on the Syfy network in January.
The “Debate Spectacular” was to be a joint effort with Newsmax, a site that, after vigorous investigation, we can only conclude is a right-wing parody site, and one which openly encouraged a military coup against President Obama.
Trump has since bowed out, saying he may run as an independent, so it wouldn’t be right to be the debate moderator. “It has nothing at all to do with hardly anyone agreeing to come” to the debate, he said.
“I’m really excited about this new series, which will be called The Candidate,” said the The Apprentice host, “and I promise not to quit this one before it starts, like everything else I do related to politics. It will be modeled after our hugely successful Apprentice show. Only in this one, candidates will have to prove how much they want the job of president.”
“The Donald,” relentless self-promoter and himself a perpetual potential presidential candidate, said he wants to put White House hopefuls “through the hoops, literally.”
Contestants will be required to run endurance races, jump through actual hoops into the water, eat bugs, and other such tasks, including many demanding but hilarious obstacle courses, like on the TV show Wipeout.
Trump believes it will be easier to sign up candidates for his new show. Jon Huntsman, Texas Rep. Ron Paul and Gov. Mitt Romney all bowed out of the debate he had planned, citing “previous engagements with reality.”
“This is something that will be fun for everybody. Lighten the mood a bit. The country wants this, and anyone who’s serious about wanting to win will have to come,” said Trump.
“And it’ll be way better than that stupid debate Stephen Colbert is trying to put together. He’s a clown. I’m serious.”
Trump said he is “proud to be hosting this ground-breaking show, where I’ll be promoting the best and firing the rest, just like in my huge hit show, The Apprentice.”
“Once I’ve humiliated everybody and thinned out the competition, I’ll re-enter the race and ride my fame, fortune and great looks all the way to the White House,” he said.
“But the show is important. At the end of the series, I’ll pick my Vice-President,” said Trump.
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