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Fun with the News: Tim Tebow & More

Dec 172011
 By , December 17, 2011
Fun with the News: Tim Tebow & More

Tim Tebow will rivet the attention of the nation when the Denver Broncos play New England Sunday in Denver. His deeds grow mightier with each telling. Tim Tebow once ate an entire cake before his teammates could tell him there was a stripper inside the cake.

Derek Jeter was reportedly sending his one-night stands home with an autographed baseball. That’s not a great gift. Derek Jeter has so many one-night stands that the balls won’t be worth a nickel unless he dies of a sexually transmitted disease from one of the first five.

Newt Gingrich still led in the GOP primary polls in Iowa Tuesday, however the caucus vote looks tight. The frontrunner is a little on the defensive. Newt Gingrich not only signed a pledge to be faithful to his wife, he promised to be faithful to his next three wives.

The Supreme Court agreed to rule on Arizona’s attempt to control its borders. They should be allowed to try. If there’s one thing that will change your mind about illegal immigration it’s trying to build a six-hundred-mile-long fence without the help of Mexicans

Pope Benedict announced Tuesday he will make a visit to Mexico. The jobless rate is only five percent, families are averaging two kids and their standard of living is going up. If they acted any more Protestant, they’d be skipping church to watch the British Open.

Ron Paul will make an appearance on NBC’s Tonight Show tonight. The congressman hates government spending but he favors legalizing marijuana. He’ll never have a government building named after him but he’s invited to the groundbreaking of every tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego.

ABC fired Christiane Amanpour as host of This Week when she couldn’t dent Bob Schieffer’s ratings at CBS. He outdrew Katie Couric, he outlasted Cokie Roberts and he trounced Amanpour. Gloria Allred has gone back to the law books to see if ratings harassment is a federal crime.

The U.S. Senate began hearings this week into the Penn State and Syracuse and junior hockey child sex abuse cases. It’s all for show. The senators want to prove they’re not creeps after cameras caught them winking at the witnesses during the Wall Street hearing.

Texas had to close down its oyster beds in the Gulf of Mexico Tuesday. Toxic algae is poisoning the oysters in the water. The algae was planted on the oysters by the drug companies after people told market researchers that oysters are a better value than Cialis.

President Obama asked Iran Monday to return the U.S. spy plane drone that crashed in Iran last weekend. Americans were confused. When news first broke that Iran was in possession of the American drone, we just assumed they had taken Al Gore hostage.

President Obama announced the end of the Iraq War Wednesday at Fort Bragg. It’s a budget decision. The U.S. troops have guaranteed health insurance and retirement pay but the private contractors who’ll replace them work for cash without benefits or pensions.

Congress tied the payroll tax cut to the Keystone oil pipeline Tuesday. This pipeline could secure affordable, abundant oil supplies from a country that doesn’t hate us. It now falls to Jeb Bush to think of a pretext to invade Canada to topple the prime minister.

Wisconsin state officials accepted as valid a governor-recall petition which included the signatures of Adolf Hitler and Mickey Mouse. Of course they’re not valid. Mickey Mouse is a resident of California and Adolf Hitler has been back at his home in hell ever since he completed his job at the Bush White House as a rhetorical device in Iraq speeches.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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