[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Claims the parties’ clowns are just grotesque caricatures
Ringling Brothers Circus is suing both the Republican and Democratic Parties for infringements on their “Biggest Circus In The World” trademark. The Ringling Brothers, for a century the largest traveling circus, is now upset that the two parties are now cutting into their business.
“Our clowns are at least professional!” stated Ringling Manager Chuck D. Cheese, a midget with the circus. “When we get laughs it is because we intend to. And we don’t wear no three piece suits trying to look ‘normal,’ whatever that is.”
“It’s disgusting.” said Janice Brabreaker, the Amazon strong-woman as she adjusted her leather armor to the curves of her ample, voluptuously curved figure. “I put on a quality act wrestling boa constrictors and throwing cannon balls through stone walls, things that take real nerve and talent, and that nutcase Bachmann goes onstage, spouts a few halfhearted and well-tuned social statements and gets big buck endorsements from all the lard-butted businessmen who would really just want to get in her pants. It is so unfair!”
“They are cutting into our territory,” stated Ernest Noseputty, the chief clown and part-time manure-raker for the the circus. “We all work for years in clown school to perfect our craft, spending hours cramming into small cars, teaching our dogs to ride skateboards, learning more about makeup application than Revlon will ever know — and we get sidelined by these tie-wearing, patent-black-leather-shoe-toting conformists who are the most boring things you could ever look at, standing totally still on stage ranting nonsensical jibberish, and they get all the air time in the world. They never have to endanger themselves with a prat fall or get shot out of a cannon. No! The worse thing they ever sprain is their jaw from so much blabbering.”
Henrietta Birkenstocks, the cashier and most normal person we could find to interview had this to say: “It is just disgusting. In all my years at the circus I have seen our people endangering life and limb to entertain people and these boring grinds get more camera time than we have gotten since the first elephants were brought over from India. They get millions from these big corporations and social groups. They get Ma and Pa Small Town U.S.A. to come to their rallies and the media to cover them every time a fart comes out of their mouth instead of you-know-where. How are we to compete with that?”
“Why is it that America now looks to Joe Biden, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney and these other wanna-be clowns for their comic relief? WE’RE the ones out here trying to put on a professional show! These others are all rank amateurs. The world just isn’t a fair place.”
“We’re thinking of changing over to wearing suits and putting only grease in our hair and talking more seriously to compete,” interjected Noseputty. “I never thought I would see the day we’d have to stoop to being straight, but it appears to be the only way we can compete with these guys. It is so humiliating!”
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